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Clips from 30 Rock - Christmas Special (S03E03)

"I hit her. Colleen. I hit her with my car."
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"They're giving her a titanium hip. Like the Terminator."
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"How can I be? She's here, now, in my home."
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"Some quack doctor strongly recommended she be around family."
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"Oh, ho, oh, and Colleen didn't miss that one."
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"Yes, mother..."
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"Well, why don't you try taking one of the many blankets off you if you're feeling hot."
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"Yes, I know. It is hard. Life is hard."
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"No I wasn't! I was just scratching my head. What!"
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"She hung up."
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"I had to cancel my trip. There's nothing going on at work."
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"Everyone I know is away for the holidays."
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"It's just me and Colleen. All alone."
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"Lemon, one of her suitcases was just wigs."
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"Look, I'm not doing my usual thing either this year."
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"Do you want me to come over later, and say hi to your mom?"
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"Yeah, sure. I'll entertain her."
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"'Cause it might go, a little something, like this--"
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"Toofer! Toofer, my man! How's tricks?"
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"Ho, ho, ho..."
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"Nah, that sounds more like Joan Rivers."
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"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just have to get stocking stuffers. And stockings!"
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"Wait, what is all of this?"
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"You have video games in here, and sports equipment, a T.V.!"
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"We-- I just want to make sure that DeShante, age nine, and Marcus, age five,"
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"Of course I'm going to wrap them, because that's what you do on Christmas."
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"because she's 38 and you thought that she'd have her "own family" by now."
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"And that instead, you're going to a couples-only retreat in Arizona,"
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"Oh, no."
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"Liz, you've never missed Christmas with your family."
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"And I am getting them all these rapping Santas!"
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"Oh, oh well. I kind of assumed they would rap"
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"Mother, what is so urgent that you could not wait until"
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"I need my other bell!"
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"We agreed. One by the bed --"
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"Hello."
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"Oh, Liz, I'm so glad you're here."
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"I want you to know and believe"
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"that what happened to me in Florida"
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"My son, Jackie, did not run me over on purpose."
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"Case closed."
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"Mother, of course it was an accident, no one is saying otherwise."
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"The real tragedy is that the accident broke of course,"
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"the Cartier watch"
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"It's not a Cartier, it's Chopard."
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"Yes, of course, Chopard. Not the Cartier watch"
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"Uh, Liz, uh, could I speak with you for a second, please?"
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"I can't do this."
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"I know, it's stressful. The holidays are always stressful."
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"Well, you're mother's hurt, and you love her."
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"Do I? Do I, Lemon?"
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"What?"
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"After I hit her, before I called 9-1-1 I sat in my car for eight minutes."
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"You froze. It happens."
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"It was an accident, right?"
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"Lutz looked it up, but if we stay until noon, it counts as a work week."
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"And NBC has to pay for our cabs to the airport."
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"since my brother and I went to Neverland Ranch."
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"She went overboard because her family's not exchanging gifts this year."
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"I want to see DeShante and Marcus' faces light up when they get it."
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"Anyway, I gotta take this up to 245th Street and Lawrence Taylor Boulevard."
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"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."
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"I will not not let you go into that neighborhood alone."
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"In the spirit of Christmas and Kwanzo --"
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"We'll go with you uptown."
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"And remember, Dot Com, you are there to protect me, and not Liz Lemon."
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"This year as in tomorrow this year?"
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"But we will be part of giving America the perfect Christmas Eve"
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"So if you're willing to look four 25-year-old gay guys in the eyes"
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"be my guest."
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"You are all contractually obligated to participate."
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"Jack, this isn't fair. Don't take your mommy issues out on us."
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"I'm sorry, Lemon, I'm just tryin' to get through Christmas."
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"And then what?"
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"I found a nursing home off the coast of Maine"
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"She will be treated humanely but there will be no escape."
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"Tracy, I am gonna need you to take a picture."
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"You just push the little button on top."
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"Thanks a lot. I never operated a camera before."
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"Oh... Make sure you get the hug."
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"Oh... Hi."
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"What just happened?"
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"Liz Lemon, I think you just got scrumped."
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"No! Alfonso, I'm on the six, you're on the four."
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"Come on. One, two, three, four, five."
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"# J-j-j-j-jingle bell, J-j-j-j-jingle bell all the way?"
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"Ah, my little elves at work. Looking good, gang, looking good."
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"I know I didn't."
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"My dad was long gone so every Christmas,"
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"And I'd say, "Eyes on the keys, Jackie Boy. Keep your eyes on the keys...""
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"And they'd ask me to play "White Christmas""
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"Every time I hear that song I get aroused."
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"She's the reason, she's why it happened."
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"So the overtime...?"
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"Irene."
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"Irene, I believe that I was the victim of a scam perpetrated through the mails. So..."
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"There's nothing we can do about that."
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"I disagree, I think there are a lot of things we could do."
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"No."
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"Who services this zip, plus four."
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"Never gonna happen."
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"Can you help me out with her?"
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"Oh, really? We're both black so we must know each other --"
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"Hey, Tracy!"
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"Did Vicki hook you up with this job?"
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"Yes..."
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"Oh, girl, you better stop."
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"Are you wearing the same clothes as yesterday?"
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"Come on, you can go home --"
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"No. I can't. Last night we had..."
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"an incident."
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"Jackie, sweetheart,"
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"Come on, put some back into it, Jacqueline. Ha ha."
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"I think it was subconscious... I've had enough."
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"What are you saying?"
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"I can't be alone with her."
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"Good God, she can't know I'm having these thoughts."
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"She can't know about the eight minutes."
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"If she knew, she'd have me arrested, she's done it before!"
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"I filed a report with the Better Business Bureau."
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