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Clips from The Big Bang Theory - The Roommate Transmogrification (S04E04)

"Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system."
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"I could just as easily have paralyzed you."
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"There's someone at my door."
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"That doesn't interest me. Goodbye."
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"- Can I sleep here tonight? - Why?"
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"Leonard's having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister."
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"I'll get the sheets and blankets for the couch."
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"- Don't bother, I'll sleep in Leonard's room. - No, I can't authorize that."
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"The Hammurabic code is an eye for an eye, not a bed for a bed."
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"Come on, dude, I'm exhausted."
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"And Tyra Banks says the most important item..."
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"...in your makeup bag is a good night's sleep."
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"All right."
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"This is a form indemnifying me..."
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"...from your use of Leonard's bedroom."
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"Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you..."
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"...and did so using a stern facial expression."
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"- Good night, Sheldon. - We still have to go over safety procedures."
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"Now, the apartment has three emergency exits..."
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"...located here, here, and here."
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"...luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit."
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"You're kidding."
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"I never kid about safety."
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"- Agh. - Aah!"
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"What are you doing here?"
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"- I was sleeping. - In my bed?"
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"I would have slept in my own bed, but it was being used to bring shame to my family."
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"And the memory of Gene Roddenberry."
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"Oh, you heard."
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""Scotty, I need more power.""
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"Sorry. Does Sheldon know you're sleeping here?"
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"Are you kidding?"
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"...and take a refresher course in CPR."
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"Thank God he had a dummy."
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"Oh, yeah. Mouth-to-Mouth Mona."
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"You know she used to date Howard?"
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"Oh, my God, she's that Mona?"
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"Why can't you and my sister spend your nights here?"
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"We tried. She doesn't get along with Sheldon."
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"Sheldon doesn't get along with Sheldon."
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"It's still no reason for me to have to listen to you..."
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"...arm your photon torpedoes every night."
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"Okay, well, how about this."
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"Until Priya gets her own place, you stay here and I'll stay at your apartment."
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"Can I bring girls here?"
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"You?"
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"Sure. Bring as many as you want."
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"Okay, deal."
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"Just not against their will."
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"- You think you should be eating that cake? - Why?"
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"If you're gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife..."
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"...you might wanna watch your waistline."
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"He's right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips."
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"Yeah. Ha, ha."
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"Eh, until you have kids."
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"Good news, Raj."
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"I got the blood work back from the lab."
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"You're okay to stay for a while."
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"- When did you take my blood? - Not important."
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"Your sugar was a little high. I'd follow up with your regular physician."
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"In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over."
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"- What the hell is this? - Yeah, boilerplate stuff."
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"And a living will and durable power of attorney."
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"This says you can make "end of life" decisions for me."
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"As your friend, let's hope it doesn't come to that."
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"Please sign."
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"You get to pull the plug on him too."
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"Well, that seems fair."
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"Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard."
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"Here's your ID card, your key and your lapel pin."
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"Which Leonard was too cool to wear."
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"...will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barber shop..."
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"...and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air."
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"Bring a ball or a Frisbee. You know, something he can chase."
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"Also, you're tasked with bringing home all takeout dinners."
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"You'll find the standard order in appendix B or downloadable from my FTP server."
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"If you have any questions, here's the FAQ sheet."
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"Or if you prefer the human touch..."
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"...I do a live web chat called Apartment Talk on Tuesday nights."
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"No backsies."
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"Sheldon, dinner."
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"What is this?"
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"This is the difference between eating and dining."
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"Remarkable."
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"I'm just realizing how much Leonard's been skating by all these years."
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"It's not a big thing."
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"Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart."
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"He's living at my place, so I'm living here."
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"You're living here provisionally."
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"But I must say it's looking good."
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"No. Origami napkin swans."
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"That's the headline."
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"It's a good thing."
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"So do you know what kind of research you'll be doing..."
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"...at this pharmaceutical company?"
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"There were a couple of opportunities available..."
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"...but I volunteered for the premature ejaculation project."
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"I mean, it's not like either one of us has heart disease."
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"Oh, I almost forgot, I got you a little present."
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"Oh, Bernie, no, you didn't have to."
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"Well, I wanted to. Come on, open it."
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"You bought me a Rolex?"
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"How much did this cost?"
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"Oh, you let me worry about the money."
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"I just want my baby to have pretty things."
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"- More wine? - Oh, no, no, I've had way too much already."
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"Here's an interesting fact about alcohol."
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"Hit me."
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"Man is not the only species that ferments fruit..."
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"...in order to become intoxicated."
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"Can you guess what the other is?"
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"Sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks."
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"Monkeys."
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"When does a monkey have a trunk?"
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"When a suitcase just won't do."
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"All right."
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"It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence."
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"Good night."
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"Please note, it is now past 10 p.m."
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"...clinking of glasses, and celebratory gunfire."
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