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Clips from Broad City - Witches (S04E04)

"we're old enough to chaperone a high school dance, to vote."
Broad City
"Some crazy landlord in the sky gets to do that."
Broad City
"And I was this close to being able to afford"
Broad City
"Dude, just let me buy it for you. I'm a waitress."
Broad City
"No, I don't want you to buy it for me."
Broad City
"- Your first gray hair! - No, is it..."
Broad City
"- Yes, rejoice! Yes, yes! - No!"
Broad City
"Dude, aren't you freezing?"
Broad City
"Dude, Abbi got her first gray hair."
Broad City
"A dope and powerful fucking witch."
Broad City
"And Stacey London from What Not to Wear before you."
Broad City
"Uh, okay."
Broad City
"- Wow. - What do you think this is all..."
Broad City
"What do you think is happening here?"
Broad City
"You are magical."
Broad City
"Okay, I just thought that by the time I'd have gray hair, I'd have..."
Broad City
"I don't know, a MacArthur Genius Grant"
Broad City
"Acai."
Broad City
"- Whatever. - (WHISTLES)"
Broad City
"He's right. That's something."
Broad City
"But you know what? I'm gonna take my life"
Broad City
"into my own hands right now."
Broad City
"I am gonna buy that Drew Barrymore space heater"
Broad City
"ABBl: This is perfect."
Broad City
"Whole... Family day planned."
Broad City
"for a powerful genital sneeze, or four. (CHUCKLES)"
Broad City
"Like today, so fucking much, so maybe you guys"
Broad City
"- What? - What?"
Broad City
"Four and three and two and one one"
Broad City
"all pressed up on me and that heat, you feel that steam."
Broad City
"Oh, horny number!"
Broad City
"Ooh, yowza, love it!"
Broad City
"I thought you said you were getting pedicures"
Broad City
"Oh, my goddess. You two have the same thermos."
Broad City
"Cute cards, Young Abbi."
Broad City
"like David Duchovny in that show, and in real life."
Broad City
"Oh, I gotta... Run."
Broad City
"You must be Ilana Wexler. Come in."
Broad City
"Beautiful apartment."
Broad City
"Yeah."
Broad City
"Go on in, don't be shy."
Broad City
"Not just average sex, but, like, dank '70s porno sex."
Broad City
"I leave a cum trail wherever I go,"
Broad City
"Uh-huh."
Broad City
"so I'm just here for her by proxy."
Broad City
"like her best friend, me, is."
Broad City
"- How's business, Young Abbi? - Oh, my God."
Broad City
"I've only made five bucks so far."
Broad City
"Oh, wow."
Broad City
"- (SIGHS) - That feels really good, actually."
Broad City
"What about..."Abbi"?"
Broad City
"All right, Ilana, I want you to have a conversation with Abbi."
Broad City
"I know it's not you. It's me."
Broad City
"this whole disgusting, gross year."
Broad City
"Grab 'em by the pussy."
Broad City
"Oh, my God!"
Broad City
"I haven't come since the election!"
Broad City
"You're not alone."
Broad City
"Uh, no. On your nose."
Broad City
"It's a lentil from way... Earlier."
Broad City
"Did you really do all of these yourself?"
Broad City
"Oh, yes, I'm, I'm the artist."
Broad City
"An Upper East Side dermatologist, if you catch my drift."
Broad City
"But what do you mean by that?"
Broad City
"Let's just say I can get my hands on whatever a girl needs"
Broad City
"Ugh! And what a steal. That's, like, free."
Broad City
"That's my business card."
Broad City
"My office is just around the corner, you know,"
Broad City
"if you're ever in the mood to... Freshen up."
Broad City
"I'm still in my 20s."
Broad City
"You're traumatized by the fact"
Broad City
"You need to find a way to rise above it in spite of him."
Broad City
"(SIGHS HEAVILY)"
Broad City
"God, I'm never gonna come again!"
Broad City
"It's not going to be easy."
Broad City
"(BUZZING)"
Broad City
"- I thought that was you. - Hey! Hi!"
Broad City
"Natalie, this is Abbi, my old neighbor."
Broad City
"And this is Milo."
Broad City
"JEREMY: Yeah."
Broad City
"I mean, and you're married, that's, that's awesome."
Broad City
"Oh, no, no, no. No, no, we're not married. (CHUCKLES)"
Broad City
"Co-parents."
Broad City
"Like, uh, 80 bucks would be good?"
Broad City
"No, I don't... I can't. A hundred bucks?"
Broad City
"I should be pounding that ass tonight."
Broad City
"I got money to spend."
Broad City
"Money is a mind control technique"
Broad City
"Okay. Thanks."
Broad City
"(SIGHS) An average-sized dick..."
Broad City
"Come on."
Broad City
"Hairy taints..."
Broad City
"Tiny, tiny hands!"
Broad City
"Women can get stuff done."
Broad City
"Yes. Yes."
Broad City
"Anyway, while you're here, can I do a little peel or..."
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"I'm feeling like I made a little bit of a mistake."
Broad City
"and I think I just got, like, real swept up in that moment."
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"Usually. I usually feel super hot. (LAUGHS)"
Broad City
"And I think that you would be"
Broad City
"even if you didn't do any of this crazy shit to your face."
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"Oh, no. I laughed."
Broad City
"Hey, drink up."
Broad City
"- It's really good. - Mm."
Broad City
"The floodgates are open now."
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"- Good. - I can't thank you enough for helping..."
Broad City
"Oh!"
Broad City
"Oh!"
Broad City
"Oh, my God, this timing is weird."
Broad City
"- Are you sweating? - What happened to your face?"
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"I was like, it's, it's cooler to be warm."
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"Oh, my God, my table's gone!"
Broad City
"(BIRD SQUAWKING)"
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"Oh, God, that is witchy!"
Broad City
"- What? - But Betty coached me through it."
Broad City
"around the universe like the speed of light,"
Broad City
"and giggle and play in the night."
Broad City
"'cause they're so fucking jealous."
Broad City
"(BIRD SQUAWKING)"
Broad City
"Do you... do you hear that?"
Broad City
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