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Clips from Parks and Recreation - Tom's Divorce (S02E02)

"The fourth floor is awful..."
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"probation offices."
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"They'll only talk to you or me,"
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"Because I don't want to."
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"Hey, boo, you're pretty."
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"- Feygnasse Team -"
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"Amazing."
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"And how are your institutions"
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"that you're a part of?"
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"- You heard about my divorce? - I saw you on the fourth floor."
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"to the bureau of motor vehicles on the fourth floor."
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"Come on. I don't want to go to the fourth floor."
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"The DMV, divorce filings,"
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"They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up,"
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"but they used the wrong kind of oil"
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"and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced."
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"and I can't go."
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"Are you on probation?"
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"I got clean urine. You need female, I got female."
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"Popcorn?"
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"lestat78"
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"So, Tom..."
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"how's everything in your life, generally?"
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"Paid off handsomely, as you can see."
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"Lasted longer than Avril Lavigne and the guy from Sum 41. Am I right?"
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"I don't know what those are."
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"stop working."
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"Look, I've heard your voice when she calls you on the phone."
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"I've seen you look at her ass when she leaves the room."
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"You love her."
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"I did a little research,"
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"Of course marriage is number seven."
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"So watch out, everyone."
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"It's all bad."
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"Well, that is the problem."
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"Tom always seems like Mr. Slickster cool guy,"
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"We have to help him."
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"and all of his friends are frat guys and morons."
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"This seems like none of our business."
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"Be supportive, okay?"
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""I don't want to."
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""I am a guy,"
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""and playing hockey and eating meat."
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""No, no, says I.""
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"- I don't know how to explain... - Hey, Mark."
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"The shoeshine stand still doesn't have that syphilis medication"
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"you were asking about."
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"purely for business reasons?"
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"Pleasure, actually."
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"My boyfriend, Mark, works here."
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"- He's sitting right next to me. - Hey, Andy."
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"What a surprise running into you all day every day"
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"every single place that we are."
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"Well, I guess I'll see you guys around."
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"See ya."
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"we don't have those extra-small condoms you ordered."
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"Something they've never dealt with before. We'll talk."
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"Mark never asked me for any small, weirdly-shaped condoms."
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"Every day I subtly chip away at their relationship,"
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"Where's Tom Haverford?"
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"So you had a divorce"
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"And no one enjoys a divorce of course"
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"I don't know what to do. I can't be like, "Hey, Leslie,"
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"it's a green-card marriage. I'm fine.""
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"so her female instincts are kicking in."
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"Let her pull the thorn out of your paw and wrap a bandage around it."
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"Damn the man."
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"Your secret's safe with me."
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"Okay, everyone..."
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"I'm so sorry you feel that way, little friend."
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"Supposed to be pretty unapologetic."
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"I definitely heard someone say strip club."
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"- You did. - Would the glitter factory"
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"be okay with whoever suggested strip club?"
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"I don't think that's a good idea."
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"Okay! It's gonna be a crazy night, guys."
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"I will see you at Jurassic Fork"
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"at 5:45 p. M."
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"Hi, welcome to Jurassic Fork"
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"where the only thing that'll be extinct is your appetite."
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"I will have the Jamaican jerk chicken veloci-wrap."
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"I'm gonna get the tricera-chops, please."
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"Medium rare?"
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"No, medium roar."
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"I'll have the surf and turf-osaurus,"
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"I'm gonna need a lot of wine, so keep it flowing."
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"I'm not gonna be drinking anything."
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"Just wanted everybody to know that."
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"Hey, check it out."
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"They got pool."
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"You want to play?"
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"Finally settle that debate about who's the better pool player."
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"We'll put a little money on it."
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"- Make it a little more interesting. - Please."
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"No, I figured because pool is all about angles,"
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"and he's a failed architect, that he might want to play pool."
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"- Let's do it. - Really? That worked?"
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"How to hustle somebody in pool by Andy Dwyer."
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"Step 1, find the person you want to hustle."
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"Well, that was weird, Jerry."
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"- I'll divide it up. I don't mind. - Don't worry about it."
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"The restaurant'll divide it evenly. Just enjoy yourself."
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"Tom is the only cool person in the office."
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"I love you, Tom. You're my little prince."
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"Just want to put you in a little cape and a little hat"
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"Can I get two creme brulees"
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"I thought I had Tom all figured out,"
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"but it's almost like he's faking being sad."
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"We'll make it a little more interesting. Go double or nothing?"
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"Step two,"
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"lose to your opponent intentionally, so they gain confidence."
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"Step two has been completed."
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"Very easily."
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"Mark is pretty good at pool."
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"So how are you feeling, Tom?"
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"Are you feeling okay?"
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"I like pretending to be sad."
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"I now see why girls do it."
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"So your arrangement with Wendy,"
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"Yeah, never so much as even kissed."
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