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Clips from The Big Bang Theory - The Shiny Trinket Maneuver (S05E05)

"- Yes. - How come you're not doing a mission?"
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"You're just wandering around."
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"I had a rough night, thought I'd go for a walk and clear my head."
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"Some people go outside and do that."
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"...are teeming with drunken sailors and alley cats."
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"Do you wanna talk about it?"
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"No, I think I'll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away."
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"You know digital alcohol is never a solution."
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"What's going on?"
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"Hard as this may be to believe..."
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"Did you and Amy get in a fight?"
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"Amy had a fight. I was being perfectly reasonable."
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"I'm gonna have a whiskey. Want anything?"
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"No, I can't. I'm playing "Grand Theft Auto" later."
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"- Look, I'm no expert in women... - I'll say."
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"Not necessary when someone's trying to help you."
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"Sorry, it's the alcohol talking. Go on."
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"Sometimes with women you wanna listen to what upsets them..."
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"...and show them that you can grow and change."
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"I don't know what to tell you. Buy her something."
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"How does that work?"
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"Well, you skip over any attempt to repair your emotional connection..."
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"...and you win back her affection with an empty financial gesture."
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"Well, that approach has Sheldon Cooper written all over it."
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"- Glad I could help. - It's appreciated."
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"If you manage to find a woman again, I'll be glad to return the favor."
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"Oh, oh, right."
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"When are we gonna have cake?"
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"After you've been thoroughly amazed."
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"But we want cake now."
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"Well, you're not getting cake right now, capiche?"
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"Heh, heh, okay, okay."
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"Now my lovely assistant is going to bring me..."
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"- ...an ordinary pitcher of milk. - I know how you do that trick."
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"Do you know how to pipe down?"
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"- It's a fake pitcher. - You got wax in your ears?"
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"The man said it's an ordinary pitcher."
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"Okay. We're going to stick this in here."
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"And then I'm going to pour in the milk."
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"Ha, ha, I hope this works because I didn't bring a change of pants."
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"Look, I Googled it. It's a fake pitcher."
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"That's it. No cake for you. Anyone else wanna join the No Cake Club?"
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"Not him."
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"Just give me the pitcher."
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"Behold."
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"Wrong pitcher."
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"I told you I'm not good with kids."
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"Yes, you did."
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"I think my crotch is starting to curdle."
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"The thing is, my mother worked full-time."
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"- Yeah, so? - Uh, it was horrible."
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"With their snotty noses and their poopy diapers..."
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"...and their little shrieky voices, always complaining."
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""I don't wanna get dressed." "Joey keeps spitting in my mouth.""
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"Well, okay, put your hand in here. Let's see how you like this waffle."
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"All right, settle down. Red light. Red light."
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"Red light. Okay, we're fine."
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"I'm sorry. I know it makes me sound like a bad person..."
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"- ...but I just don't like children. - Yeah, no, we all got that."
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"But don't you think it'll be different when the child is ours?"
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"...and I've got no career, no future, nothing to be happy about for 20 years."
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"Sure, that'll be completely different."
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"I don't think there's anything in this jewelry store..."
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"...that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we're looking at at Sears."
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"Ooh! A pocket watch."
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"I don't think Amy wants a pocket watch."
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"No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch."
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"Still saying stupid stuff."
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"- Does she like bracelets? - Well, she's very fond of her silver one..."
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"...that says "allergic to penicillin.""
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"Maybe they have a dressier version of that."
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"How are we doing this afternoon? Looking for anything special?"
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"Perhaps a ring for the lady?"
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"Trust me, we are not a couple."
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"Excuse me. I don't see why you get to snort derisively..."
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"...and point that out. You'd be lucky to land a fellow like me."
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"Fine. Go ahead."
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"Trust me, we are not a couple."
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"Great. Trouble with girlfriends is what's putting my daughter through U.S.C."
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"Ooh!"
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"- Are those real diamonds? - Yes."
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"Channel-set baguettes, 20 points total weight."
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"Remarkable. Diamonds. Crystallized carbon."
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"...full of carbon in the form of charcoal briquettes..."
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"...they toss in their barbecues and set on fire."
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"But just because you've got some carbon with the atoms stacked neatly..."
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"...you expect me to plunk down thousands of dollars."
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"Actually, that's only 750. Everything's on sale."
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"Really? Talk to me about that pocket watch."
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"I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it."
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"I always thought I'd be a dad someday."
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"Me too. You're so caring."
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"I've often pictured you guiding a young boy into manhood."
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"There you go, Howard. Sounds like Raj'll have your babies. Problem solved."
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"Because a man shows caring for another man..."
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"...doesn't mean he's displaying the love that dare not speak its name."
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"Did she say she didn't want kids?"
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"Yeah. She doesn't like them."
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"And from what I saw, the feeling was mutual."
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"- What are you gonna do? - I don't know."
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"I can't see a life where I don't have kids. I mean, people have kids."
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"I mean, even Donkey Kong had Donkey Kong Jr."
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"So he could teach someone how to kidnap princesses..."
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"...and throw barrels at Italian plumbers."
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"You know, there's no guarantee even if you have kids you're gonna like them."
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"Wow, that's rough. Where'd you get that?"
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"It's right off the dust jacket of my mom's last book."
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"Maybe me and Bernadette aren't right for each other."
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"Look, Howard, I'd say there's a lot of fish in the sea..."
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"...but I watched you dangle your hook for years."
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"Do not throw her back."
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"I don't want to, but this is kind of a deal breaker."
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"What will your mom say if you call off the wedding?"
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"Heh, it'll kill her. If I don't give her grandchildren..."
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"- What time did you tell Amy to be here? - Eight o'clock."
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"- That pocket watch is ridiculous. - Nonsense."
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"I look like a train conductor."
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"Under what pretext did you lure her here?"
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"Good, good. If you'd said something clever, she might've gotten suspicious."
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"- What's he doing here? - Okay, he wants to talk to you."
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