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Clips from Seinfeld - The Library (S03E03)

"That's like an ice-cream man named Cone."
Seinfeld
"Well, Lieutenant Bookman's been working here 25 years..."
Seinfeld
"I think I saw him."
Seinfeld
"Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps..."
Seinfeld
"The gym teacher from our high school."
Seinfeld
"...completely covered in filth, no whistle. But I think it's him."
Seinfeld
"There was an incident. I'd rather not discuss it."
Seinfeld
"What, tonight?"
Seinfeld
"- I never figured you for a squealer. - He sang like a canary."
Seinfeld
"What am I supposed to do now?"
Seinfeld
"I'll have Mr. Bookman get in touch with you."
Seinfeld
"- Come on, let's go. - Let's go see if it's Heyman."
Seinfeld
"- It's not him. - Hey, I'll see you boys later, huh?"
Seinfeld
"So, what's a guy gotta do around here to get a library card?"
Seinfeld
"- Where's Karen? - She went to pick up lunch."
Seinfeld
"...she didn't ask me what I wanted."
Seinfeld
"She must've forgot."
Seinfeld
"How could she forget? I've been ordering lunch..."
Seinfeld
"Is there something you're not telling me..."
Seinfeld
"...because I'm getting, like, a really weird vibe."
Seinfeld
"Is Lippman getting rid of me? You can tell me."
Seinfeld
"- I won't say anything. - I don't know anything."
Seinfeld
"...means there's something to know. If you really didn't, you'd say:"
Seinfeld
"You're crazy."
Seinfeld
"- Oh, hi, Mr. Lippman. - Elaine."
Seinfeld
"I was wondering if you got a chance..."
Seinfeld
"...to look at that biography of Columbus I gave you."
Seinfeld
"Yes, I did."
Seinfeld
"Yes, I did."
Seinfeld
"- Marie, this water is still too cold. - Oh, yeah. It's freezing."
Seinfeld
"I'm telling you, something is going on."
Seinfeld
"So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal."
Seinfeld
"What do you know? You've never worked in an office."
Seinfeld
"See, you've worked in an office, George. You understand."
Seinfeld
"Jerry thinks I'm overreacting, but you understand lunch."
Seinfeld
"Just because I got the guy fired doesn't mean I turned him into a bum, does it?"
Seinfeld
"- What did he do? - He purposely..."
Seinfeld
"...mispronounced my name."
Seinfeld
"Instead of saying Costanza..."
Seinfeld
"Remember, he made me smell my own gym socks once?"
Seinfeld
"- And the straps were hanging down... - Okay, okay."
Seinfeld
"You never even had him for gym."
Seinfeld
"It was like from an exhumed corpse."
Seinfeld
"Little baked beans."
Seinfeld
"Come on, tell me what happened."
Seinfeld
"He actually failed me in gym. Me."
Seinfeld
"- Can't stand you! - Yes, Mr. Heyman?"
Seinfeld
"Your underwear was sticking out of your shorts during gym class."
Seinfeld
"Well, that's because I wear boxer shorts."
Seinfeld
"Boxer shorts, huh?"
Seinfeld
"- What brand? - I'm not really sure. I-"
Seinfeld
"He gave me a wedgie."
Seinfeld
"They also have an atomic wedgie."
Seinfeld
"Now, the goal there is to actually get the waistband..."
Seinfeld
"...on top of the head."
Seinfeld
"It's very rare."
Seinfeld
"What's amazing about the library..."
Seinfeld
"...is here's a place where you can go in..."
Seinfeld
"...take out any book you want. They just give it to you..."
Seinfeld
"Reminds you of that pathetic friend everybody had as a kid..."
Seinfeld
"That's what the library is. It's a government-funded pathetic friend."
Seinfeld
"That's why everybody bullies the library."
Seinfeld
"I'll bring it back on time, I'll bring it back late."
Seinfeld
"What are you gonna do, charge me a nickel?"
Seinfeld
"- Coffee? - Yeah, coffee."
Seinfeld
"- No, I don't drink coffee. - You don't?"
Seinfeld
"- How about instant coffee? - No, I don't-"
Seinfeld
"When you need it, it's there. It lasts forever."
Seinfeld
"It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals."
Seinfeld
"Really? I'll have to remember that."
Seinfeld
"- You took this book out in 1971. - Yes, and I returned it in 1971."
Seinfeld
"Yeah, '71, that was my first year on the job."
Seinfeld
"Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America."
Seinfeld
"Abbie Hoffman telling everybody to steal books."
Seinfeld
"Look, Mr. Bookman..."
Seinfeld
"...I returned that book. I remember it very specifically."
Seinfeld
"- I try. - You think this is all a big joke?"
Seinfeld
"No, I don't."
Seinfeld
"I saw you on TV once. I remembered your name from my list."
Seinfeld
"You think because you're a celebrity, somehow the law doesn't apply?"
Seinfeld
"- You're above the law? - Certainly not."
Seinfeld
"You know that little stamp, the one that says New York Public Library?"
Seinfeld
"That may not mean anything to you."
Seinfeld
"Flashy, making a scene, flaunting convention."
Seinfeld
"Yeah, I know what you're thinking:"
Seinfeld
"Why's this guy making such a stink about old library books?"
Seinfeld
"Well, let me give you a hint, junior."
Seinfeld
"Sure, we're too old to change the world."
Seinfeld
"But what about that kid sitting down opening a book right now..."
Seinfeld
"...in a branch at the local library..."
Seinfeld
"...in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers?"
Seinfeld
"Doesn't he deserve better?"
Seinfeld
"Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld."
Seinfeld
"Well, I got a flash for you, joy-boy:"
Seinfeld
"Party time is over."
Seinfeld
"You got seven days, Seinfeld."
Seinfeld
"That is one week."
Seinfeld
"- What's wrong? - It's Bookman, the library cop."
Seinfeld
"- So? I didn't do anything wrong. - I'm supposed to be at work."
Seinfeld
"I could get fired. I never should've come here."
Seinfeld
"I can't."
Seinfeld
"I have a witness. Sherry Becker."
Seinfeld
"She wore an orange dress."
Seinfeld
"She gave me a piece of Black Jack gum."
Seinfeld
"I said, Liquorice gum. What will they think of next?"
Seinfeld
"I remember it!"
Seinfeld
"Kevin went to a public school."
Seinfeld
"He's the 14 year old."
Seinfeld
"We were gonna send Marsha to a private school..."
Seinfeld
"...learn enough, I think."
Seinfeld
"So, Sherry, what do you remember about that day at the library?"
Seinfeld
"It was a Friday afternoon."
Seinfeld
"And I was chewing Dentyne."
Seinfeld
"- No Black Jack? - Liquorice gum? Never."
Seinfeld
"What else?"
Seinfeld
"We were..."
Seinfeld
"Tropic of Capricorn."
Seinfeld
"- Tropic of Capricorn? - Remember?"
Seinfeld
"What holds the world together..."
Seinfeld
"...is sexual intercourse."
Seinfeld
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