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Clips from Seinfeld - The Apartment (S02E02)

"...but standing is good for jumping up and down."
Seinfeld
"- I can't decide. - Jumping up and down?"
Seinfeld
"What are you talking about? Come on, cough it up."
Seinfeld
"...rarely ever thinking of myself."
Seinfeld
"Sure, it hurts sometimes to give and give and give..."
Seinfeld
"Would you please?"
Seinfeld
"What would you say if I told you that...?"
Seinfeld
"I got you an apartment in this building."
Seinfeld
"I got you an apartment in the building."
Seinfeld
"- How did you...? - Remember Mrs. Hudwalker?"
Seinfeld
"The 94-year-old woman who lived above me."
Seinfeld
"- No. - She died."
Seinfeld
"- She died? - She died."
Seinfeld
"- And the rent is only $400 a month. - Get out!"
Seinfeld
"Four hundred a month? Only 400 a month?"
Seinfeld
"- Four hundred a month. - I'd be right upstairs?"
Seinfeld
"- Right upstairs. - Right above you?"
Seinfeld
"We're neighbours. I'll be here all the time!"
Seinfeld
"All the time."
Seinfeld
"We can exchange keys so we can come in and out."
Seinfeld
"Oh, this is gonna be great."
Seinfeld
"All the time."
Seinfeld
"The problem with talking is nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing."
Seinfeld
"I think life would be a lot better..."
Seinfeld
"You mess up, somebody just walks on the set and stops the whole shot."
Seinfeld
"Think of the things you wish you could take back."
Seinfeld
"You're out somewhere with people. Gee, you look pregnant. Are you?"
Seinfeld
"Cut, cut, cut!"
Seinfeld
"That's not gonna work at all."
Seinfeld
"Walk out the door. Come back in. Let's take this whole scene again."
Seinfeld
"- What did you do? - I could tell you..."
Seinfeld
"...but you won't believe it. It's not believable."
Seinfeld
"- How could I have done that? - Done what?"
Seinfeld
"I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building."
Seinfeld
"- She's going to move in. - Elaine's moving into your building?"
Seinfeld
"- Yes. Right above me. - Right above you?"
Seinfeld
"- You're gonna be neighbours. - I know. Neighbours."
Seinfeld
"- She's right above you? - Right above me."
Seinfeld
"- How could you do that? - Because I'm an idiot."
Seinfeld
"You think you're an idiot, but with all due respect..."
Seinfeld
"...l'm a much bigger idiot than you are."
Seinfeld
"Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to."
Seinfeld
"No one's a bigger idiot than me."
Seinfeld
"Ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?"
Seinfeld
"Ever go to a singles' weekend in the Poconos?"
Seinfeld
"She's right in my building. Right above me."
Seinfeld
"Every time I come in, I'll have to sneak around like a cat burglar."
Seinfeld
"You're doomed. You'll have all your sex at women's apartments."
Seinfeld
"It'll be a permanent road trip. Forget about the home-bed advantage."
Seinfeld
"- But I need the home-bed advantage. - Of course. We all do."
Seinfeld
"- Come in for two minutes. Sit with me. - I was just in there. It's embarrassing."
Seinfeld
"Oh, who's gonna know?"
Seinfeld
"- They all saw me walk out. - Two minutes."
Seinfeld
"My censoring system broke down."
Seinfeld
"You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say?"
Seinfeld
"Checked into a clinic, emotionally exhausted."
Seinfeld
"So is there any way out of this Elaine thing?"
Seinfeld
"Water pressure's terrible in my building. She loves a good shower."
Seinfeld
"Never heard of anyone turning down an apartment because of weak showers."
Seinfeld
"If they were fanatic about showers, they might."
Seinfeld
"For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to."
Seinfeld
"Look at this woman feeding her baby..."
Seinfeld
"...greasy, disgusting, coffee-shop corned beef hash."
Seinfeld
"Isn't that child abuse?"
Seinfeld
"I'd like to have a kid."
Seinfeld
"Of course, you have to have a date first."
Seinfeld
"Remember my friend Adam from Detroit?"
Seinfeld
"- Yeah, the guy with the flat head. - He's a cube."
Seinfeld
"Anyway, he got married about six months ago."
Seinfeld
"Ever since he's worn a wedding band..."
Seinfeld
"...women have been coming on to him everywhere."
Seinfeld
"- I've heard that about wedding bands. - I wonder if that's really true."
Seinfeld
"That'd be an interesting sociological experiment."
Seinfeld
"You know, Kramer has his father's band. He'd loan it to you."
Seinfeld
"Hey, thanks a lot. I'll give it back in a week."
Seinfeld
"I don't know why you're fooling around with this ring."
Seinfeld
"...or a piece. - I'm not doing that."
Seinfeld
"No, I'll put a half a can of mousse in my head like you."
Seinfeld
"I told you I don't like these sponges. They're too small."
Seinfeld
"You can't pick up anything. There's no absorption."
Seinfeld
"Boys, boys."
Seinfeld
"Hi, Jerry."
Seinfeld
"Hello, Jerry."
Seinfeld
"Okay."
Seinfeld
"Okay."
Seinfeld
"Your friend can't have the apartment, Jerry."
Seinfeld
"- What? - Because somebody offered Manny..."
Seinfeld
"I don't want to do it. Manny wants to do it."
Seinfeld
"Because it's true. Why shouldn't I tell him?"
Seinfeld
"Hey, hey, I understand. You're businessmen."
Seinfeld
"Okay, okay."
Seinfeld
"Now he says that if your friend has $5000, we'll give it to her."
Seinfeld
"That's a lot of money..."
Seinfeld
"You know, I used to think that the universe..."
Seinfeld
"...is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events."
Seinfeld
"But I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things."
Seinfeld
"What happened to you?"
Seinfeld
"Religion, my friend. That's what happened to me."
Seinfeld
"Because I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine..."
Seinfeld
"- Of course she doesn't. - So she can't get the apartment."
Seinfeld
"- Can't get it. - She doesn't move in."
Seinfeld
"No move."
Seinfeld
"And how does the baldness fit into that plan?"
Seinfeld
"- Elaine? - Yeah."
Seinfeld
"All right."
Seinfeld
"I have to pretend I'm disappointed."
Seinfeld
"So you'll see me really being a phoney. I hope you can take this."
Seinfeld
"You should go in the other room."
Seinfeld
"Are you kidding? I lie every second of the day."
Seinfeld
"My whole life is a sham."
Seinfeld
"- Because I love Elaine. - Of course you do."
Seinfeld
"Really, I feel terrible about this. My intentions were good."
Seinfeld
"What can I do? Tell me."
Seinfeld
"No. I'll be seeing you."
Seinfeld
"Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt that it's great to be alive?"
Seinfeld
"That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above."
Seinfeld
"Before I forget..."
Seinfeld
"...I have the checks for the first month, last month, security deposit."
Seinfeld
"I have $75 left in my account."
Seinfeld
"Oh, I know. There's a weak shower spray."
Seinfeld
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