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Clips from Archer - Job Offer (S01E01)

"- I'm sorry, how's the leg? - Hurts when it rains."
Archer
"- No. - Then you just watch, in no time..."
Archer
"but I don't know if it's gonna be a good fit."
Archer
"In the interview?"
Archer
"Um, okay."
Archer
"Thirteen years? What, she ship you off in kindergarten?"
Archer
"I mean, he rode the train into the city all by himself."
Archer
"Ugh."
Archer
"- Do you know you're a little bitch? - Will you remember this conversation?"
Archer
"- What? - I want you to fire him, this instant."
Archer
"...in a police station on Christmas? - Eve."
Archer
"I don't have Barry on speed dial. Well, that's rather surprising."
Archer
"Um, so I'll just be here, then?"
Archer
"How am I the bad guy in this?"
Archer
"- With whom I guess I won't be meeting? - No, she's gone."
Archer
"What? Malory burned Archer?"
Archer
"Oh, my God. I liked her better mean."
Archer
"Barry? I guess, go ahead and call Facilities or whatever."
Archer
"- No. - I'm pretty sure I'm financially..."
Archer
"- Mother burned me? - Apparently."
Archer
"Give me that, you oaf!"
Archer
"disregard ISIS burn notice on Agent Archer..."
Archer
"Eve. It was only Christmas Eve."
Archer
"- And? - And do you just plan to loom over me..."
Archer
"Maybe we both belong at ISIS, you know?"
Archer
"But wait, would that cheer you up? Me and you, a little revenge-anal?"
Archer
"- You wearing a seatbelt? - Uh, no, why...?"
Archer
"What?"
Archer
"- I blew jack shit! - Name dropper."
Archer
"- Oh. Oh, my God. Barry. - Oh, yeah, right. Pretty sweet, huh?"
Archer
"- Domestic and foreign? - Even the one on the Isle of Man."
Archer
"he'll be begging me to take him back."
Archer
"and I need to feel confident."
Archer
"to tell you that you have a phone call."
Archer
"- He said do not come in. - Yeah, Barry."
Archer
"Ow! It's just, with the shattered femur, and the gunshot wound..."
Archer
"You know, I'm not even sure I want to now."
Archer
"- She was obviously into him. Mother... - Ass."
Archer
"- We can't keep him now, Barry. - Oh. So..."
Archer
"No. Baby, I am putting you in the corner..."
Archer
"No, no, no, like, figuratively gone. Unlike Framboise..."
Archer
"- Wait. Let me do it. - Really?"
Archer
"Just like I knew Sterling would come crying back to mommy..."
Archer
"- How am I the bad guy in this? - Because I wanted this, Archer."
Archer
"He sort of offered me a job at ODIN."
Archer
"Yeah, I can do that."
Archer
"- Easy, tough guy. - I don't remember any of that."
Archer
"- I'm sorry, so, what are you saying? - I, uh..."
Archer
"unless you really want to. Let me go shoot this prick."
Archer
"Barry, you asshole!"
Archer
"That chick was like the Pele of anal."
Archer
"No, no, no, Barry, you blow him on!"
Archer
"you know, it's not allowed. It's probably illegal."
Archer
"- Telex. You got one in here? - Why, so you can smash that too?"
Archer
"- We'll never catch him! - You should have thought about that..."
Archer
"- Busy trying to turn that thing on? - Look at this!"
Archer
"responsible for the furnishings. - So I can send a telex from ODIN..."
Archer
"- My God. On Christmas? - Well, Christmas Eve, technically."
Archer
"I'm sorry, Framboise, it's not you."
Archer
"Oh, man. That's bad."
Archer
"- It, uh... - Lf you know what I mean."
Archer
"Jealous that ODIN's gonna beat us again..."
Archer
"You bust in, shoot two good double agents..."
Archer
"I mean, it's not me, either, obviously. But in the office..."
Archer
"I said don't come in here. Framboise, what'd I say?"
Archer
"at a mother's suffering, Barry, you asshole!"
Archer
"This is why we can't have nice things."
Archer
"- Why do you make that sound? - Gee, let's see."
Archer
"about boarding school. And really, sorry about Cyril."
Archer
""ISIS disavows Agent Sterling Archer, a.k.a. Duchess.""
Archer
"all day, like some sort of henge? - Okay."
Archer
"You're right, Archer, I am conflicted."
Archer
"Freeze every one of his accounts! And then get me Woodhouse."
Archer
"And very eager to sit here quietly in the corner..."
Archer
"Take all the things! Here, take this!"
Archer
"- Hang on, I think my car's on P-2. - Well, I have to get Cyril, who's on..."
Archer
"- Really? - I'm brushing it your way, Barry."
Archer
"Family, almost, is what they were."
Archer
"- Oh! Oh, my God. - Great, good job."
Archer
"and I need to get in my safe, so open the goddamn door already!"
Archer
"Seriously. I mean, I don't wanna sound like a jerk..."
Archer
"- Besides awesome? - Oh!"
Archer
"So you take him to the basement, you put one in his ear."
Archer
"- Worldwide. - Holy shit."
Archer
"and I am slicing it like a butcher. - Just keep at it."
Archer
"Yeah, and the, uh, famille thing actually makes this borderline creepy."
Archer
"- "On" as in hire him? As in here? - Yes!"
Archer
"He's gone. I killed my baby boy..."
Archer
"Made a lot of good friends."
Archer
"Barry, if you touch me, I swear to God I will put you in the ground."
Archer
"- Ahem. Gosh, that must've been tough. - No, l... I loved it. Um..."
Archer
"Don't worry about it. I get a deal on those, 90 cents a ball."
Archer
"- You don't sex on the women at ISIS? - Constantly, but..."
Archer
"- Even if Mr. Archer gets a job at ODIN? - Oh, please. ODIN won't hire him."
Archer
"Using a mirror to reflect the laser beam back into the laser?"
Archer
"- Ha-ha-ha. Well, you would know. - Now, see. Why do you do that?"
Archer
"Shut up! ODIN doesn't beat Sterling Archer."
Archer
"Did you wanna finish that? Did you wanna finish..."
Archer
"- They have those here? - I don't know! Archer, look out!"
Archer
"She was the hostess! If you weren't blinded by jealousy..."
Archer
"- Archer! - To make the perfect word."
Archer
"- Either that or I steal them. What? - Hm? What's that?"
Archer
"What's to appreciate?"
Archer
"And we'll just see how tough Sterling is..."
Archer
"- Uh-huh. - Oh, that looks great."
Archer
"...has some paperwork for you to sign."
Archer
"You leave Bub out of this."
Archer
"Don't get any on that snappy suit."
Archer
"Absinthe makes me black out."
Archer
"Let's dance."
Archer
"And so, remember how I said we'd just hired someone?"
Archer
"- So Archer's still here? - Yeah, he's in that corner office."
Archer
"I mean, you shoot him and I get an office..."
Archer
"Oh, my God, looks like Jonestown in here."
Archer
"Oh. And look at happy little Mama Bird."
Archer
"shutting your big fat, negative-wordsy mouth?"
Archer
"- ODIN appreciates the assist. Yeah."
Archer
"So I don't play by the rules, Mother, but I get results!"
Archer
"You know how she gets."
Archer
"and then set those pajamas on fire!"
Archer
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