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Clips from Archer - Job Offer (S01E01)

"Yes, sir. Although it pains me dearly."
Archer
"I'm gonna pain you dearly, Woodhouse!"
Archer
"When I peel all your skin off with a flensing knife, sew it into Woodhouse pajamas..."
Archer
"So be a lad, put on some Mingus."
Archer
"Hi, Barry Dillon, please?"
Archer
"Oh, come on!"
Archer
"That's the thing. See, I think Sterling Archer thought..."
Archer
"I was talking to him. - Archer? You're kidding!"
Archer
"And when I think about Archer, and so I blew him off."
Archer
"It'll drive his mother crazy."
Archer
"Well, except for your grossly over-familiar tone, I couldn't be happier."
Archer
"Well, whose fault is that, Barry? Yours."
Archer
"So will you please just help me up?"
Archer
"- No. - For which I am pretty genuinely sorry."
Archer
"- Yeah, Barry. - It's water under the bridge."
Archer
"- So go put his stuff in his office. - Yeah, Barry."
Archer
"So I was wondering if your tempting offer was still open."
Archer
"No, you silly man. About the job."
Archer
"No, just keeping my options open."
Archer
"I just don't see why you need this."
Archer
"Because this is a huge opportunity for me..."
Archer
"- So come on already, take a cut. - What, like, out the window?"
Archer
"- Bet it's all that lacrosse at boarding school. - Yeah, 13 years' worth."
Archer
"Because he'll be back, crying for his mommy."
Archer
"Just like that Christmas break when I moved..."
Archer
"and forgot to give my new address to his stupid boarding school."
Archer
"He couldn't pick up a phone book? Nine years old, and bawling..."
Archer
"in that police station like a little girl."
Archer
"Oh, shut up. I bet you're barren."
Archer
"Where the sofa is soaked in Scotchgard."
Archer
"- Right, right, I got it. - Super."
Archer
"Because we're one big family."
Archer
"home of Barry "Oh, I forgot to mention the naked laser thing" Dillon."
Archer
"About a million. But Cheryl was scared to come in here..."
Archer
"- Is it Sterling? - I am sure I don't know."
Archer
"- Probably not, no. - Well, then **** off."
Archer
"Whoa, whoa with the language. You kiss your mother with that mouth?"
Archer
"No, no, I can't do that. He's happy here, he's making new friends."
Archer
"- Goddamn it, Archer! - What, Barry?"
Archer
"- I don't care if he's happy. - That's obvious."
Archer
"- Meaning what, exactly? - Meaning, who leaves a 9-year-old kid..."
Archer
"Can't or won't?"
Archer
"- Oh, my God. A burn notice? Look at that."
Archer
"- Man, she loved that dog... - "Who is to be considered..."
Archer
"Oh, it must have killed her to do this."
Archer
"- Ha, ha. And I'm smirking. - No, you don't smirk..."
Archer
"and I don't know if you knew this, but Framboise and I were..."
Archer
"kind of engaged. - I did not know that."
Archer
"- Yeah. - And I served her up like a pudding."
Archer
"- Barry. - Well, engaged to be engaged. Ow!"
Archer
"- That Framboise is a freak, huh? - Yeah."
Archer
"dozing off in first class, then seeing you on my flight when I get up to pee!"
Archer
"- That, to me, is rather surprising. - And really expensive, turns out."
Archer
"- Just... - Ha, ha."
Archer
"but that Framboise chick must have been a prostitute before she got this gig."
Archer
"- In, like, Bangkok. - Ahem."
Archer
"I was almost embarrassed for her."
Archer
"- Where we going? - We are heading down..."
Archer
"to sub-basement three. - Is there a shower?"
Archer
"- One second. Dillon. - Oh, Barry, you getting that?"
Archer
"No, I'm actually at the lobby right now. Two seconds."
Archer
"There's actually a private bathroom in there."
Archer
"- Hey, you. - And who are you?"
Archer
"because he is so tired."
Archer
"No, no, no!"
Archer
"Who put out a burn notice on Sterling?"
Archer
"- Ha-ha-ha. Holy shit, the look on your face. - But I would never. Not in a million..."
Archer
"Get a mirror. - Oh, dear God, did I drink absinthe?"
Archer
"- That bottle and most of this one. - Until we wrestled it away from you."
Archer
"Because you don't know how to share, beyotch."
Archer
"- It also makes you incredibly mean. - And ugly."
Archer
"- Well, don't just sit there. Undo this. - Ooh."
Archer
"- "Ooh" what? - We can't, Ms. Archer. It's too late."
Archer
"- Can you not give me a minute? - No. You fire me, I take my things."
Archer
"Go staple my heart back together!"
Archer
"That was before his mother put out a burn notice on him."
Archer
"- Yeah, so he's gone. - Already? Like, literally gone?"
Archer
"and now my baby is gone!"
Archer
"Well, I was gonna say you can have another baby..."
Archer
"whose car should be blowing up any minute."
Archer
"- Oh! Ooh-la-la! Uh..."
Archer
"May I help you avec your box?"
Archer
"it can be your office. - Really?"
Archer
"and maybe, if you stand on those tiptoes, your huge apartment."
Archer
"- Because I would kind of love to. - Not as much as I would."
Archer
"- You guys kind of have a history, huh? - Yeah, you could say that."
Archer
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lana, no!"
Archer
"It does, Other Barry, it sure does."
Archer
"Because there is lamp everywhere."
Archer
"to make the burn notice from your mother look like an ODIN black flag."
Archer
"Oh, my God, that's classic her."
Archer
"You're both classic her. Shut up, get dressed..."
Archer
"and grab the keys to that car."
Archer
"Any way we can bump that to five?"
Archer
"Yes, Pam. Get me some poison. Because I am already dead inside."
Archer
""All agencies..."
Archer
"a. k.a. Duchess.""
Archer
"An ODIN black flag operation!"
Archer
"Well, the blowback on ODIN for this will be huge."
Archer
"wiping his snotty nose on his sleeve..."
Archer
"like a scared little boy on Christmas. - Uh-huh."
Archer
"- I know. Good to have you back. And?"
Archer
"Well, you see? This is why."
Archer
"just because your mother is the boss. Do you know what that's like?"
Archer
"- Framboise, hello. - Hello."
Archer
"How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN?"
Archer
"Or, ooh, maybe how I just caught my boyfriend..."
Archer
"- You think? - Yeah, he's not coming back."
Archer
"- Archer? - Sorry, I know this is tough."
Archer
"I mean, Cyril, whatever, but your feelings for me are obviously conflicted..."
Archer
"- Getting curtsied at by servants. - Yeah, but you couldn't do it."
Archer
"- Maybe that's our real home. - That's what Mother said..."
Archer
"- Excuse me? - Oh, come on, I don't recall ever seeing..."
Archer
"Oh, okay. Then, I guess, just pout."
Archer
"you'd have noticed that ODIN had agents in play!"
Archer
"Oh, uh, yeah, about that..."
Archer
"Sterling Malory Archer, you are..."
Archer
"of course free to pursue your options. - My... Wait, hang on."
Archer
"- Hello? - It's just you and me now, Reggie."
Archer
"Remember how you wanted me to float that job offer to Lana Kane?"
Archer
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