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Clips from Archer - Job Offer (S01E01)

"There, where? Outside a clown college?"
Archer
"And if you weren't so busy trying to bang that waitress..."
Archer
"- Yes, I'm jealous. - First step's admitting it."
Archer
"Only Sterling Archer beats..."
Archer
"- What, to get laid in the walk-in? - Also. Because I'm not an ant, Lana."
Archer
"Kasparov? Okay, that was a fluke. Ha, ha."
Archer
"perfect situational awareness, Lana. - Archer."
Archer
"- Archer! - Goddamn it, I'm relishing the..."
Archer
"Um, dick town? Ha, ha."
Archer
"were terrorizing Paris! - So I crashed a few cop cars..."
Archer
"That's why she can't have nice things."
Archer
"Hm? What do you want? I'm a little busy for chitchat."
Archer
"- Oh, my God! - Yeah, sorry, it took so long."
Archer
"- But... - I just wanna keep my options open!"
Archer
"Exactly! That's indicative of your whole attitude, Mother!"
Archer
"- I don't need her! - I, however, do need your keycard."
Archer
"Yeah, hi, Barry Dillon please? Yes, I'll hold!"
Archer
"Oh, and just wait till I get to ODIN."
Archer
"I will. Keycard?"
Archer
"- Oh. Here! God! - They are the stuff-throwingest family."
Archer
"when he can't suckle at my teat! - Ugh."
Archer
"Woodhouse, she froze my accounts..."
Archer
"I'm afraid I can't..."
Archer
"Yes, it's Sterling Archer... Oh. Yes, I'll hold!"
Archer
"- Love her, yeah. When does she start? - Right?"
Archer
"Why do you softball them in like that?"
Archer
"Oh, my God, is that, like, Whore Island for women?"
Archer
"- He hasn't called, has he? - No. How you holding up, Mama Bird?"
Archer
"Nothing two steel rods..."
Archer
"and 16 titanium screws couldn't fix. - Come on, don't be shitty."
Archer
"- Yeah, Barry. - Because he's part of the family now."
Archer
"Yeah, it feels pretty good."
Archer
"Speaking of, how's your mother taking all this?"
Archer
"Oh, please, I bet she doesn't even miss me."
Archer
"Well, the lovely Framboise from HR..."
Archer
"So why don't you follow her on down..."
Archer
"to your big new corner office. - Okay."
Archer
"- Yeah, I think I do. - It's resistant to stains."
Archer
"ODIN isn't some co-ed freshman dorm where everyone runs around screwing."
Archer
"- But here... - Here we are one big famille."
Archer
"Don't you have better things to do than mince around and gawk?"
Archer
"so I took time out of my busy mincing schedule..."
Archer
"And how dare you steal my son away from me?"
Archer
"- Steal him? You cut him loose. - You cut him loose!"
Archer
"- And he told you about that? - Oh, we've had such great talks."
Archer
"- Fire him! - Join him. Come work for me."
Archer
"- Have you lost your mind? - Every time I see you."
Archer
"- Fire him. - Can't do it."
Archer
"- Either? - Fine. Then go check your Telex."
Archer
"an unreliable asset and security risk.""
Archer
"Ass. If you love it, put a ring on it. Okay, so you go fix this."
Archer
"Because I bet I just, like, reek of her."
Archer
"- So wait, where are we on that shower? - Head on back up to your office."
Archer
"Oh, good. Because, like I said, I bet I just reek."
Archer
"Yeah, you've mentioned that."
Archer
"- Yeah? - Yeah."
Archer
"All right, you yellow sons of bitches."
Archer
"- Seriously. Danger zone. - Beyotch."
Archer
"- So, Barry. - Huh? That was Framboise, our head of HR."
Archer
"- Yes. - And so remember Sterling Archer?"
Archer
"Wait, wait, wait, Lana."
Archer
"- Oh, now, you can always... - Always what?"
Archer
"And once Facilities cleans his brains out of it..."
Archer
"I don't think the cleaning staff does brains."
Archer
"- Huge as in? - As in you won't see your live-in servants..."
Archer
"- Knock yourself out. - These servants, if I did see them..."
Archer
"would they curtsy meekly? - Heh. Well, otherwise, what's the point?"
Archer
"Archer!"
Archer
"Come on. Lana, why the hell are...?"
Archer
"Barry, does this make up for Framboise?"
Archer
"- God, Lana! Get on with your life already! - Oh!"
Archer
"We've got about two minutes before some ODIN dick sees this and seals the exits."
Archer
"- I need a shower. - Archer!"
Archer
"Okay, God. Climb down off that rag."
Archer
"Too dead inside to read good news?"
Archer
"- Is it my obituary? - Well, it's not that good."
Archer
"Pam, he's alive. My Sterling is alive."
Archer
"- And I saw it coming. I knew it. - Uh-huh."
Archer
"balls-deep in some French chick. - Ex-boyfriend, I bet."
Archer
"Because if I had shot you in the face, I'd be living here."
Archer
"- Me too. - Even if you brought it on yourself."
Archer
"a welcome mat at your back door. - Archer."
Archer
"- Archer? - Yes?"
Archer
"So, uh, is that a yes, or a maybe, or?"
Archer
"Because this is what was there, Lana!"
Archer
"before you blew the damn drop!"
Archer
"Whose fat mouth told the stupid waitress he was an ISIS agent?"
Archer
"Hostess. And I had a plan."
Archer
"- I happen to see the big picture. - Oh, really? Well, then where's..."
Archer
"Yeah, a fluke of nature. Because I happen to have..."
Archer
"- Which cannot be taught, by the way. Archer."
Archer
"- Like a poet's mind for... - Archer."
Archer
"- Ow. Way to go, Lana. Nice warning. - Nice relishing. Ow."
Archer
"- Oh. Think that was ODIN? - No, it's only you that beats you, buddy."
Archer
"Hey, gang. Barry."
Archer
"Gee, thanks for helping us catch Kasparov."
Archer
"And if you ever get tired of playing JV ball..."
Archer
"you know where to find us. - Oh, yeah, uh, where's that?"
Archer
"Jesus, even their cards are nice."
Archer
"Lana, look at this. It's embossed."
Archer
"Oh, okay. Then, I guess, just pout."
Archer
"- That was the mayor of Paris... - Name dropper."
Archer
"- Who was just as eager as I am to know why ISIS agents..."
Archer
"ran over a few mimes!"
Archer
"- O-N. Nothing. - Well, just keep at it."
Archer
"- You're not my supervisor! I'm sorry, what?"
Archer
"- Barry Dillon? - Uh..."
Archer
"Barry "We have this whole huge history together" Dillon?"
Archer
"We don't have this whole huge history."
Archer
"- And that I'm accidentally inside you. - Not a problem."
Archer
"So you can't breathe a word of this to Malory."
Archer
"And if ODIN made you a better offer, what kind of mother would I be..."
Archer
"if I stood in the way of your happiness?"
Archer
"Uh... Wait, what just happened here?"
Archer
"Fine! She thinks I won't go? Well, guess what!"
Archer
"Okay, so after I call your vase guy..."
Archer
"since ISIS actually pays the rent on the..."
Archer
"Aah! Damn it! When did we get a bulletproof door?"
Archer
"After the Popeye incident, sir."
Archer
"Oh, right. Wait, so you kick me out of my own house?"
Archer
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