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Clips from Perfect Strangers - Happy Birthday, Baby (S01E01)

"I'll tell you why, because nobody ever returns your calls."
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"What the matter with you is? - Nothing the matter with me is."
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"Hello, Ritz... Hello, hello, Ritz Discount."
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"You're kidding. Great. I'll be there."
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"Balki, this is my first sale. - Oh, cousin."
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"Well, look here."
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"Well, Balki, what if there's traffic jam?"
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"Hi, Larry. - Sorry, no time. Gotta run."
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"Don't tell me."
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"Isn't that something? Only in America."
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"...they decided to use a picture taken by some other guy."
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"Well, I'd love to talk about my nepotism, but I don't know what that is."
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"It's time I realized my limitations."
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"Cousin, you just didn't sell one picture. - No, it's not just the one picture."
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"Oh, sure, sure. And then what do I do the next year?"
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"Spend an evening with people saying:"
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"I'm hungry."
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"Why did I ask?"
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"You locked me in the closet."
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"Here he is. Go ahead."
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"Of course, no hot water. Why should I expect hot water?"
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"No, no. I wanted to be a professional photojournalist."
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"Balki. Balki. Balki."
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"Balki, how can you sleep at a time like this?"
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"I'm a failure."
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"And the proof is that nobody even bothered to acknowledge my birthday."
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"Sure, I said it. I didn't mean it."
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"Did anybody notice? No."
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"Balki, do you...? Do you think that l...?"
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"I might be able to borrow your...?"
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"Surprise... What? A surprise burglary?"
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"No, cousin..."
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"Happy birthday!"
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"This is Officer Finley. - Yo."
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"Well, I invite them to your birthday party."
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"At 3 a. M? - That's what they said."
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"You guys got a corkscrew? - Top drawer, next to the sink."
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"Thank you. Lou? - Snake."
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"Snake. - Yeah."
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"Yes. - Lou told me."
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"Go ahead, say something."
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"Speech. Speech. - Speech."
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"Larry. - ? Larry"
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"Happy birthday to you"
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"...twice."
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"For the party and for helping to keep my dream alive."
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"Why don't they call?"
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"Said they'd call."
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"What are you doing?"
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"Making a phone call. - Balki, use the phone, I'll break a bone."
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"Boy, somebody got up on the wrong side of the flock."
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"Everything's fine. Just a little tense."
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"Anxious. Upset. Irritable."
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"Yes, this is Larry Appleton."
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"This may be the greatest day of my life."
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"Now you happy? What is this, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hekyll?"
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"Balki, that was the photo editor from the Chicago Weekly Gazette."
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"Remember that picture I submitted of the burning building?"
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"Well, they want to print it. - Cousin Larry, congratulations."
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"I've got to be there at 6 to sign a release and get paid."
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"You are professional picture taker. It's your dream come true."
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"Now we are so happy we do the Dance of Joy."
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"Balki."
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"A photojournalist must maintain a modicum of dignity."
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"Let's boogie."
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"I can't believe it."
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"This is a terrific birthday present."
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"Happy birthday. - Thank you."
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"What did you get me? - Well, l..."
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"What do you mean, "What did I get you"? I'm supposed to get presents."
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"You're supposed to get the presents?"
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"You get presents on your birthday? - Well, of course."
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"That's an American birthday tradition. Haven't you ever heard of that?"
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"Of course I have. Don't be ridiculous."
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"I suppose this means you also didn't bake me a cake?"
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"What can I say? I'm scum."
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"Well, it's all right, I forgive you because I am so happy for you."
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"Why you didn't tell me it's our birthday?"
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"I don't know. I guess I just wasn't in the mood to celebrate this year."
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"But things are looking up. "Photo by Larry Appleton.""
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"If it isn't tweedledum and tweedledumber."
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"Mr. Twinkacetti, good news. Cousin Larry sold a photograph."
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"It his dream come true."
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"Wise up, Appleton."
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"You're gonna grow old and gray busting your butt for me..."
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"...right here, until you die."
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"Grim, isn't it?"
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"Not even Twinkacetti can spoil this."
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"What if the elevator gets stuck? What if the building burns down?"
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"What if a giant prehistoric monster crawls out of Lake Michigan..."
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"...and eats Chicago?"
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"You're right. I'd better get a move on."
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"I sold a picture. That's great. Fabulous."
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"Hi, Susan, Tina. - Hi."
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"He's excited. He should be."
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"Not only he sold the photograph, but it's his birthday."
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"Let's throw him a surprise birthday party. - Oh, good idea. When?"
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"I want it to be a surprise."
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"Okay, we put all the food there, and we put the balloons here."
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"And... What this?"
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"You know, in Mypos to do that, we had to squeeze a frog."
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"What do we do? - Okay, okay."
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"You go downstairs and head everybody off."
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"I'll hide the party stuff, and that way, we all surprise him at the same moment."
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"Cousin, how did it go at the newspaper?"
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"Oh, fine. Everything's fine. They like me. They love my photograph."
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"Oh, it went great. Everything's fine. Fine, fine, fine."
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"I sense you have left out some small but important detail."
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"Oh, yeah."
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"Did I forget to mention that the jerks didn't want to buy my photograph?"
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"Oh, cousin, that's terrible. Why not?"
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"Well, at the last minute..."
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"Oh. - And get this."
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"The guy just happens to live next door to the publisher's barber."
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"Talk about your nepotism."
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"You know what they used? The oldest cliche in the book."
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"A baby being rescued from the burning building."
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"News value."
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"The baby wasn't even that cute."
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"Oh, cousin, you must be so disappointed."
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