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Clips from Peep Show - Mole-Mapping (S09E09)

"Mark's swipe card. Yeah."
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"But on one condition. Say pub man is a bank robber,"
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"we tell him, no shooting of Mark."
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"And that is an absolute red line."
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"have taken a surprising unexpected turn."
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"Like what? He's basically doing it right now."
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"Hang on. But he's not actually going to do it, though?"
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"Well, it's hard to tell with Wadey."
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"Don't get me wrong, he's a teddy bear."
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"But he's a violent teddy bear."
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"Well, he's more than one thing, Jeremy."
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"He's harmless, he's deadly."
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"He's a devil, he's a saint."
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"He's happy, he's furious."
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"'What if he's already shot him? What if he's wounded him?"
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"'God, imagine Mark in a wheelchair. He'll be insufferable.'"
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"'I need something new to throw out the window before April loses interest."
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"'Could bung my George Foreman off the balcony.'"
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"'Oh, it's grudge time with Jerry."
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"'When is he ever going to forgive me"
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"for bundling him into a sleeping bag and throwing him in a lift?'"
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"Mark?"
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"Oh, Angus, er...hi. I wasn't expecting..."
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"So, I found a place that does"
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"something called an air-contrast barium enema."
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"They basically pump air into the rectum."
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"'Inflating my colon like a weather balloon?!'"
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"I'm not here to talk to you about a colonoscopy, Mark."
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"I need a loan. 5K."
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"I think I'm losing April and... she wants this cruise."
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"I don't know, I feel like if we go away together, that might fix everything."
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"Sure. Sure it might."
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"Well, let me just enter your details into the system."
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"'Telephone, telephone, sunglasses, smiley face, crucifix, and "enter."'"
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"Oh, Angus, your credit rating is, frankly, sub-Grecian."
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"Look, I have mortgage statements. Mate, I'm..."
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"'Three-way spite-feast!"
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"'No commission for me, no cruise for April,"
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"'no marriage for Angus."
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"Mark, I need five, like, quite intense minutes right now."
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"Hi, Angus."
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"Just FYI sort of thing, there is a very slim possibility that..."
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"a bank robber is heading into the bank right now."
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"A pub man? I-I'm getting robbed?"
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"No. Because it was a red line."
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"Look, it's just a caper gone bad. He wanted your swipe card,"
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"and then I...took it, but then I didn't give it to him..."
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"You took it? Jesus Christ, Jeremy!"
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"It's a bank. They're insured. It's a victimless crime."
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"No, Jeremy, it isn't. It's a victimy crime, and the victim is me!"
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"You are not getting shot. Why does it always have to be about you?"
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"I'm sorry for being all self-pitying about my potential shooting."
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"Oh, great. I'm due one, am I?"
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"I'm due a good shooting? It's my turn for the big, shiny bullet?"
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"Oh, shit."
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"Is... Is that him? Is that the robber?"
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"Shit, where's the panic button?"
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"Just fucking calm down, Mark, for fuck's sake!"
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"Why do they make these bloody things so hard to find?"
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"Exactly. He's a nutter, Jeremy,"
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"a nutter who may or may not have got the memo re not shooting me."
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"Why is he queueing? Robbers don't queue."
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"We need to leave."
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"What if he shoots everyone?"
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"He won't. And if he does, what are we supposed to do? Stop him?"
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"Yeah, that's what we'll do, Mark. We'll stop him(!)"
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"We'll stop the armed maniac, me and you."
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"'I'm not running away, I'm just walking over here to reassess the situation."
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"'All the way over here and out of the back.' It's fine."
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"He's quite obviously going to shoot everyone. What?!"
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"He's a cadaver, Mark. He's toast."
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"Coffee shop. We'll wait in the coffee shop until the shooting stops."
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"Macchiato and a blueberry muffin, please."
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"What difference does it make? Unbelievable."
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"Er, flat white extra hot and a biscotti."
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"But this is on you."
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"for facilitating an armed fucking robbery."
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"PHONE RINGS Joe?"
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"'Jez.' Hey. 'I'm at the offices on Cowper Street."
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"I'm just at Highgrove."
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"In fact, Joe, there's a very distinguished older gentleman"
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"(Do a Prince Philip.) What?"
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"Do a Prince Philip and I'll go and tackle the robber, or whatever."
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"No, I'm not doing a fucking Prince Philip."
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"Er, sorry about that, Joe. He's famously flighty."
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"PHONE BEEPS Hello? Hello?"
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"He's gone."
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"It's happening, then. Joe's starting to see through me."
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"Really, Jeremy? Tell me more, cos I'm so invested"
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"Oh, hi, Alan, I'm just on a quick coffee run."
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"Oh, really?"
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"Playing conkers with your little chum? Get back to work. What about my coffee?"
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"I'll bring it. Exit..."
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"Mark."
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"Jeremy, are you coming?"
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"Sorry, mate."
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"Off I go."
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"Off on my merry way."
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"'No-one seems dead. It's a promising start."
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"'Oh, God, here he goes."
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"'Oh, he's bottled it."
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"'He's just a big, beardy pen thief."
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"Mark, it's going through. Your mate sorted it."
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"We're going cruising!"
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"Oh, not a problem, Mark. I'd happily steal your sales all day long."
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"JERRY AND ANGUS CHUCKLE"
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"'Get the pub man back. I want my shooting!'"
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"♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪"
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"'Now, Mark."
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"Next thing I'm picking at it with a craft knife,"
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"I've been looking for a half-decent mole-mapping place for ages."
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"I'm going to make you cry delicious tears,"
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"Yeah?"
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"It's a date, and no-one can prove otherwise."
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"Go in there twice a week and bleed it like a radiator."
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"Actually, Jez, it's lucky you're here,"
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"You can't see it, but it definitely exists."
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"Behave!"
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"You've just got back from your honeymoon."
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"You'll be well compensated. Money up front."
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