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Clips from Archer (2009) - Animation (S02E02)

"Nothing. Hundred-to-one he's mine."
Archer (2009)
"No, please, Mother, finish that thought."
Archer (2009)
"- L... - Oh, my God, you are such a hypocrite."
Archer (2009)
"- You were gonna say "illegitimate child." - No, I was going to say "bastard.""
Archer (2009)
"Ouch. I mean that's gotta hurt, huh?"
Archer (2009)
"Why should I care if Archer knocked up some hooker?"
Archer (2009)
"- You dated Mr. Archer forever. - And you have nothing to show for it."
Archer (2009)
"- Paging Dr. Loggins. - Couple things."
Archer (2009)
"One, I don't need a baby to validate my existence."
Archer (2009)
"And two, the absolute last person on Earth I'd have a baby with is Archer..."
Archer (2009)
"...because he is not sold separately."
Archer (2009)
"Did you tr...? Did you try...?"
Archer (2009)
"Yeah, I'll come over, Mother, just give me 20 minutes."
Archer (2009)
"[LANA GROANS]"
Archer (2009)
"Well, I'm sorry, Lana, but I didn't invent the childproof pill bottle."
Archer (2009)
"...I feel I dodged the world's most dysfunctional bullet."
Archer (2009)
"Hello. Hello. Hello."
Archer (2009)
"Couple things."
Archer (2009)
"CHERYL: Bring it."
Archer (2009)
"[YELLING AND GRUNTING]"
Archer (2009)
"- No, I meant like for her face. CHERYL: Choke me."
Archer (2009)
"No, like for let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus."
Archer (2009)
"Oh, my God, yes, but your place is disgusting so where can we have it?"
Archer (2009)
"Oh, he'll hate that. I wanna come."
Archer (2009)
"CHERYL: Ohh, I think I just did."
Archer (2009)
"MAN: And so thank you both for coming..."
Archer (2009)
"Well, we both have a vested interest in the outcome of this silly test."
Archer (2009)
"Normally I wouldn't let an intern do this on his first day, but..."
Archer (2009)
"Chet?"
Archer (2009)
"I'm sure you do. But our client has concerns about the integrity of the test results..."
Archer (2009)
"...given your agency's, uh..."
Archer (2009)
"...clandestine nature."
Archer (2009)
"Oh, and by the way, super crazy about the elevator pretending it's a dryer."
Archer (2009)
"Barry?"
Archer (2009)
"But all kidding aside, ODIN will be providing security for the paternity test."
Archer (2009)
"- ODIN? - Oh, yeah."
Archer (2009)
"- Hello, Archer. - Barry."
Archer (2009)
"- How's it hanging, buddy? - Hanging great, Barry. How's the leg?"
Archer (2009)
"Barry, does it hurt?"
Archer (2009)
"[CAR ALARM WAILING]"
Archer (2009)
"Because it looks like it kind of hurts."
Archer (2009)
"It did hurt. And it still does, so..."
Archer (2009)
"- So how can Trinette afford ODIN? - Barry."
Archer (2009)
"Consider it payback for my shattered femur."
Archer (2009)
"And that reminds me. Dr. Ben?"
Archer (2009)
"- My God, what year is this? - I know, right?"
Archer (2009)
"Why can't you just take a DNA swab?"
Archer (2009)
"A blood sample is enough to determine paternity."
Archer (2009)
"- And after we take a liter... - A liter?"
Archer (2009)
"- How much is a...? - Archer will be left in a weakened state..."
Archer (2009)
"- Turtlenecks. I invented the turtleneck. MALORY: Look."
Archer (2009)
"- About eight gills. - What's a gill?"
Archer (2009)
"You're just talking in circles."
Archer (2009)
"- Thanks, Dr. Ben. Next. - What's a gill?"
Archer (2009)
"- What's a gill? - The bank will be surrounded..."
Archer (2009)
"...by ODIN agents."
Archer (2009)
"- Merely an added precaution... ARCHER: Is that metric?"
Archer (2009)
"BARRY: As the vault is basically one big shit storm of anti-intrusion devices."
Archer (2009)
"Tomorrow, in full view of both parties, we will test the sample here..."
Archer (2009)
"...along with a blood sample from the wee baby Seamus..."
Archer (2009)
"- Any questions? - Yeah, Barry."
Archer (2009)
"I'm still unclear on the liter thing."
Archer (2009)
"That's because those ODIN ghouls drained a fifth of your blood."
Archer (2009)
"- Speaking of fifth... - A drink's the last thing you need."
Archer (2009)
"Well, you might want one too..."
Archer (2009)
"...because pretty decent chance the baby's mine."
Archer (2009)
"- What? - Ow!"
Archer (2009)
"What happened to 100-to-1?"
Archer (2009)
"I may have massaged that number a little so..."
Archer (2009)
"Trudy Beekman will eat me alive for this."
Archer (2009)
"And I can just forget all about getting on the board of the Met."
Archer (2009)
"- The museum or the opera? - Either."
Archer (2009)
"Sterling Malory Archer, you are going to break into that vault..."
Archer (2009)
"...and replace your blood with someone else's."
Archer (2009)
"Someone else's blood. Yeah, great."
Archer (2009)
"I'll just have lgor bring a villager up to my castle."
Archer (2009)
"- Uh, lgor. - Yes?"
Archer (2009)
"Oh, evening, sir. Hello, mum."
Archer (2009)
"What's it look like, you puke?"
Archer (2009)
"Ugh. I think I could use a drink."
Archer (2009)
"Sterling, pick a villager."
Archer (2009)
"- Why did you let them in my house? - Well..."
Archer (2009)
"Now what am I gonna spread on my toast?"
Archer (2009)
"They just sort of barged in, sir."
Archer (2009)
"Uh-huh, uh-huh. And why are you barefoot?"
Archer (2009)
"It was gonna be a ham cozy, but then I was like, eh."
Archer (2009)
"- So... - Well, he can use it as a blankie."
Archer (2009)
"Ew. What is this, homemade salad dressing?"
Archer (2009)
"- Breast milk. - Ew!"
Archer (2009)
"I actually, uh, have my own."
Archer (2009)
"Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags. Oh, and a book about SIDS."
Archer (2009)
"What kind of shit gift is that?"
Archer (2009)
"- I made mine. KRIEGER: Me too!"
Archer (2009)
"That's disgusting."
Archer (2009)
"If I wanted to look at your bare feet..."
Archer (2009)
"...l'd sneak in while you're asleep. KRIEGER: Me too!"
Archer (2009)
"Well? Have you picked out a donor?"
Archer (2009)
"- Cyril, you're... - Oh, sorry, Ms. Archer."
Archer (2009)
"I'm sure the board at the Met will frown on this."
Archer (2009)
"Well, I don't care to be judged by a couple of lousy hooker-baby havers."
Archer (2009)
"- You were saying? - You get him drunk."
Archer (2009)
"I'll go to the drugstore and get supplies."
Archer (2009)
"You said I could hold him."
Archer (2009)
"You've been holding him and you've been drinking..."
Archer (2009)
"...and your hands are so damn big."
Archer (2009)
"- I don't want you to crush him. - I'm gentle."
Archer (2009)
"- Lana. - Give her the rabbit, Lennie."
Archer (2009)
"- Whoa! Somebody's got a full diaper, huh? KRIEGER: Me too!"
Archer (2009)
"And after that falafel, I am right behind him."
Archer (2009)
"- Did you see me? - Yeah."
Archer (2009)
"- Holding the baby? - Looked like Tyson holding that dove."
Archer (2009)
"- Hey, listen, bitch... - Dah! Careful."
Archer (2009)
"Because in about three drinks..."
Archer (2009)
"- You watch. - No, you guys should totally do that."
Archer (2009)
"The mochaccino ones are the cutest."
Archer (2009)
"Guess he'd be half-gay, too, though."
Archer (2009)
"No. Thank you, but I don't care for any."
Archer (2009)
"- Cyril, it's a toast, don't be rude. - No."
Archer (2009)
"Alcohol tends to exacerbate an underlying personality disorder."
Archer (2009)
"Sexual addiction's not a real thing, asshole."
Archer (2009)
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