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Clips from Archer (2009) - Animation (S02E02)

"Archer, I still haven't gotten those T&E reports you promised me."
Archer (2009)
"- Cyril's about half a wreck, huh? - Yeah, so why do you pick on him?"
Archer (2009)
"...about how to introduce your mother to a hooker."
Archer (2009)
"- The what? - Yes, the what, dear."
Archer (2009)
"Well, he better not be."
Archer (2009)
"I couldn't bear the shame it would bring on this family to have..."
Archer (2009)
"Because babies are soft-skulled, fat little germ sacks..."
Archer (2009)
"...and now we've all been exposed to that one's bacteria."
Archer (2009)
"- Wait, what? - Don't engage her."
Archer (2009)
"But come on, Lana."
Archer (2009)
"As far as Archer's concerned..."
Archer (2009)
"Did he have some sort of character flaw?"
Archer (2009)
"- Yeah, we are code blue here. - Hey, yeah, blue. Like for baby boys."
Archer (2009)
"Well, Archer's got that banging pad."
Archer (2009)
"...even though Mr. Archer is the only party named in the subpoena."
Archer (2009)
"And said test will, obviously, be administered by a third party, so..."
Archer (2009)
"A third party? But we have a state-of-the-art laboratory at ISIS."
Archer (2009)
"How's it hanging, buddy?"
Archer (2009)
"This is pro-bono."
Archer (2009)
"- What the...? Hey! MALORY: What the hell is this?"
Archer (2009)
"- We take a blood sample from Archer. - Blood?"
Archer (2009)
"...which should prevent his attempting to compromise the test."
Archer (2009)
"- You're bleeding him dry. - Seriously, how much is a liter?"
Archer (2009)
"I don't know why I told you where. It doesn't matter."
Archer (2009)
"...thus ensuring complete accuracy of the paternity test."
Archer (2009)
"Vis-à-vis a unit of volume."
Archer (2009)
"[ARCHER GROANS]"
Archer (2009)
"ARCHER: I seriously don't feel good at all."
Archer (2009)
"Decent chance."
Archer (2009)
"ARCHER: Woodhouse, what the hell is this? - It's a baby shower."
Archer (2009)
"Because I told you to buy lemon curd, Woodhouse."
Archer (2009)
"Your tears?"
Archer (2009)
"- Oh, you guys are so sweet. - I made that."
Archer (2009)
"So you won't need this."
Archer (2009)
"I don't know if it's the blood loss or what, but this whole thing feels..."
Archer (2009)
"Pretty stupid, Archer. Getting a hooker pregnant? Yikes."
Archer (2009)
"I'm sure I don't care for your tone."
Archer (2009)
"LANA: But... - Okay, thank you."
Archer (2009)
"...you're gonna get all boohooey and ask me to pump a baby in you."
Archer (2009)
"So can you say best dancer ever?"
Archer (2009)
"Well, just wait till the new DSM comes out. Then we'll see."
Archer (2009)
"So nobody sees you doing the dirt."
Archer (2009)
"Well, at least I'm not a sex addict."
Archer (2009)
"I shall fetch my gear."
Archer (2009)
"- No. - Maybe it was an ice cube."
Archer (2009)
"Woodhouse. He's a heroin addict?"
Archer (2009)
"Now, go lure Cyril into the bathroom so we can drain his stupid blood."
Archer (2009)
"What was I to do? Say, "Take a load off while we pump you full of heroin?""
Archer (2009)
"Dear God, that was my entire stash."
Archer (2009)
"- Eight gills is way more than I thought. - That's why you're so woozy."
Archer (2009)
"Wait, what am I saying? I don't even know his blood type."
Archer (2009)
"Fan..."
Archer (2009)
"Because this is about to get weird."
Archer (2009)
"Because I'll save you some time."
Archer (2009)
"Look at that, his little baby shoes."
Archer (2009)
"- Want me to freshen that up? - Try not to drown it."
Archer (2009)
"- Just get straight on out. - Oh, come on."
Archer (2009)
"[ZIPPER ZIPS]"
Archer (2009)
"You know, at some point in the future."
Archer (2009)
"- They only took a bit of blood. - Quit being such a baby."
Archer (2009)
"MALORY: Sterling! - You quit being such a baby, you prick."
Archer (2009)
"- Prick. ...said liter was never..."
Archer (2009)
"I hereby cede any and all rights..."
Archer (2009)
"- Exciting, isn't it? - Not really, because it's gonna say..."
Archer (2009)
"Probably the most expensive candy bar you ever ate, you dunce."
Archer (2009)
"Because even if somebody did break into the vault..."
Archer (2009)
"...then I turn to sex to feel attractive again, then it's just this vicious cycle."
Archer (2009)
"Don't you see? The wee baby Seamus is Cyril's."
Archer (2009)
"No, yes, I could..."
Archer (2009)
"[ENGINE STARTS]"
Archer (2009)
"- That and a genetic predisposition toward... WOODHOUSE: Ants!"
Archer (2009)
"Or whatever."
Archer (2009)
"ARCHER: Yeah, and what do you even do here, sit on your ass and analyze data?"
Archer (2009)
"Well, I'm a field agent, Isaac Newton. I risk my life."
Archer (2009)
"So, yeah, I do deserve the best space in the parking garage."
Archer (2009)
"Like it'd kill you to roll 50 feet. Stupid thing's electric."
Archer (2009)
"Are you sure? You didn't eat them?"
Archer (2009)
"Yeah, well, since Lana broke up with me, I've been finding solace in food."
Archer (2009)
"Well, keep your chins up, Cyril. All 11 of them."
Archer (2009)
"L... Oh, was that not rhetorical?"
Archer (2009)
"- And why are you bleaching everything? - Ugh! Because it sneezed out here."
Archer (2009)
"- Okay, is Mother in? - Oh, she's in there, all right."
Archer (2009)
"ARCHER: Thanks, crazy. L..."
Archer (2009)
"- Wait, who's they? WOMAN: Hello, Archer."
Archer (2009)
"Trinette. Why are you here?"
Archer (2009)
"You don't call me for a year and that's how you talk to me?"
Archer (2009)
"Yes, dear, where are your manners?"
Archer (2009)
"Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I skipped the Emily Post chapter..."
Archer (2009)
"Escort, you puke. And I'm retired."
Archer (2009)
"Yeah? Your 401(k) doing that well?"
Archer (2009)
"- I have a SEP, smartass. - You have a SEP?"
Archer (2009)
"Oh, and this. So I ain't worried about getting by."
Archer (2009)
"- Why is this a subpoena? - It's for the paternity test."
Archer (2009)
"ARCHER: Wha...? - And the who."
Archer (2009)
"What who? Who is that?"
Archer (2009)
"- Why, this is Seamus McGoon Ster... - No, Seamus Sterling McGoon Archer."
Archer (2009)
"- Why is that who named like me? TRINETTE: Why do you think?"
Archer (2009)
"- I'm asking you why. - Because he's your son."
Archer (2009)
"You colossal ******* idiot."
Archer (2009)
"[BABY COOS]"
Archer (2009)
"MALORY: Why?"
Archer (2009)
"Why didn't you just get a vasectomy like I asked you to?"
Archer (2009)
"I thought it would hurt."
Archer (2009)
"- And this doesn't? - Well, in a... It's apples and oranges."
Archer (2009)
"I'm not ready to be a grandmother."
Archer (2009)
"Really? But you're so..."
Archer (2009)
"- Grandmotherly? - No. Old."
Archer (2009)
"If and when I am ready for a grandchild..."
Archer (2009)
"...it won't be the potato-faced spawn of some Irish whore."
Archer (2009)
"It's probably not. Seriously, what's the odds on that?"
Archer (2009)
"I used to have to book her weeks in advance."
Archer (2009)
"- Ugh. - Although..."
Archer (2009)
"- Although what? - Um..."
Archer (2009)
"ARCHER: Phew. Wow."
Archer (2009)
"- Trinette, that was amazing. - Yeah, well, you know..."
Archer (2009)
"Wai... Wha...? Wait a minute. You liar."
Archer (2009)
"This ain't a condom wrapper, it's from a fricking candy bar."
Archer (2009)
"- So? Sometimes I like to treat myself. - Well, sometimes I like to ovulate."
Archer (2009)
"Well, I gotta sleep, so do it somewhere else."
Archer (2009)
"Money's on the dresser."
Archer (2009)
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