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Clips from New Girl - Pilot (S01E01)

"I'm tired of living with my friend."
New Girl
"She's a model. All her friends are models."
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"- Not happening. - Okay, could you give us a second?"
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"- I just gotta... I gotta talk to my boys. - "My boys" is not a thing."
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"- My bros. - Douche-bag jar."
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"- For what? - For "my bros.""
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"I'm gonna say yes. Her friends are models."
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"Okay, you guys? Models."
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"I say no. I need to be able to come home from work..."
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"sit on my couch and let my beans out, let them breathe."
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"Nick, it's all you, buddy."
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"First let me say, I think you guys make interesting points..."
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"points I respect, but I will say this."
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"I have lived with a woman, Caroline..."
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"and I know there are pros and I know there are real cons."
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"- Nick, you're weak! - Okay, pro, they smell nice."
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"Cons, every once in a while, the mood changes and you're not sure why."
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"They'll ruin your life if you let them. They'll break down your will to live."
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"- Pros, they're good at folding. - Make a decision!"
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"I'm sorry. But another pro, like..."
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"- Oh, don't do it. - I'm gonna."
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"Put it down. Don't hood me."
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"You guys don't know what you're talking about."
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"- I know what I'm talking about. - Pushed him too hard."
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"We did. How about this? Executive decision."
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"- She's in. - Yay, I'm in."
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"You are not gonna regret this."
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"Had the time of my life"
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"No, I never felt like this before"
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"Yes, I swear it's the truth"
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"What have you done, Schmidt?"
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"I gotta go, Mom."
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"No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing."
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"No, I don't think so."
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"Are you gonna murder me because you're a stranger I met on the Internet?"
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"- Yes, I am. - He says no."
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"So the Wild West party's on Saturday."
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"I'm trying to get us in, but you may need to call Caroline."
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"We are in this situation because of you."
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"I hate your face! Spencer, I love you. - It has been a week of this madness."
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"- I'm going crazy, Schmidt. I can't take it. - Know what? I got this."
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"I've been waiting for so long"
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"Hi, Coach."
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"Stop it. Stop."
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"- Schmidt. - Okay, all right."
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"I got us into this, I'm gonna get us out."
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"All right, all right."
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"Hey, Jess, how you doing?"
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"You look fantastic."
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"Listen, what if you came out with us tonight? You know, after work."
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"We'll fix you up, we'll take you out, we'll get you a rebound."
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"- A rebound? - Yeah."
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"I don't know if I'm ready."
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"You're totally ready. I'll take you through the whole thing."
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"You know, I'll be like your guide."
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"Like Gandalf through Middle-earth?"
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"Probably not like... Okay."
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"let's put them in a deep, dark cave where no one's gonna find them, ever."
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"Except Sméagol."
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"Look at that. Doesn't that feel good?"
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"She's going out to find a rebound"
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"Who's that girl? It's Jess"
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"Wait, did you just make up a theme song for yourself?"
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"I'm gonna fix it."
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"This party is everything to me. Please, Nick."
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"I'm trying to do my work. I'm trying to do a good job here."
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"Nice tie. Can I borrow a tampon?"
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"- Schmidt, I'm not calling her. - Listen to me."
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"Knowing that I will be going to the Wild Wild West Charity Auction for Poverty..."
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"who is also a member of the Cherokee Nation..."
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"Somebody's in here. - We're leaving in 10. You shave your legs?"
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"I will now. - Front and backs?"
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"Yes. - Thank you."
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"- I'm gonna kill myself. - Call Caroline."
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"- You call her when you're drunk. - Don't know to what you are referring."
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"So much."
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"So much."
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"I'm not calling her."
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"Schmidt, I know you really wanna go to this party..."
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"but wouldn't it be better to find a girl who you really care about to motorboat?"
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"Then maybe, if you're super-lucky..."
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"you might find a girl who'll motorboat you right back."
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"I don't think she knows what motorboating is."
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"Jess, we are leaving in five. - Hey."
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"Hey, Coach, what's...? Oh!"
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"Sorry."
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"Uh, my boss says that I don't know how to talk to women, which is ridiculous."
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"- I am spinning! - Go!"
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"- You're so mean! - I'm not mean, I'm trying to help you!"
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"I'm trying to help you!"
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"So I was wondering if you could help me out with that."
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"Sure, sure, absolutely."
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"Um..."
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"Well, first of all, maybe think about what women like to talk about."
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"- You know, like use me for practice. - All right."
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"Um, ahem."
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"Shopping."
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"Is that fun for you guys?"
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"Yeah. Shopping's fun."
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"Uh, the other day, I bought a pair ofjeggings."
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"They look like jeans, but they're really leggings."
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"Uh... Uh..."
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"Who cares?! Sorry."
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"Um... Good job."
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"A couple things you could work on. Uh..."
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"One, lowering your voice."
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"- Right on. - Um, two, listening."
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"- Uh, three, rage. - Absolutely."
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"- Um, four... - Your hair is on fire."
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"Beers and a rosé."
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"Pink wine makes me slutty."
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"Whoa. Cute-guy alert."
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"you're gonna have to do some very, very bad things..."
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"with that man right over there."
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"- How bad? - Real bad, Jess. Real bad."
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"Like a make-out sesh, no tops."
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"Okay, this is what... This is what's gonna happen."
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"You're gonna go over there..."
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"and you're gonna stand next to him and you're gonna smile."
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"You're not gonna smile like that."
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