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Clips from Louie - Pilot (S01E01)

"Yeah? You feel better?"
Louie
"Totally. Good."
Louie
"So you have kids, right?"
Louie
"Yeah. Yeah, I have two girls. Aww."
Louie
"What? You have girls. That's cute."
Louie
"Have you seen them or--? What do you mean?"
Louie
"Just tell me about your kids."
Louie
"Well, the little one, she's 4, and she's pretty crazy."
Louie
"Aww."
Louie
"Yeah, so she had kind of a rough week."
Louie
"Went to the doctor today. It turns out she's got an infected vagina."
Louie
"Infected vagina? Yeah."
Louie
"The doctor said she's got a pretty angry infection, ahem..."
Louie
"...and it's on her vagina."
Louie
"Let's try again."
Louie
"Tell me about your kids."
Louie
"Well...."
Louie
"They're my girls."
Louie
"And, uh...."
Louie
"And I love them. Jesus, are you crying right now?"
Louie
"Is that what's happening?"
Louie
"I have to go to the bathroom. Oh, I do too."
Louie
"Oh, there's somebody in there."
Louie
"Christ, who's in there?"
Louie
"Let's go."
Louie
"Come on. I gotta take a big dump out here."
Louie
"You know what? The hell with it. I'm gonna go in the van."
Louie
"Do you have an anger problem? That wasn't me. That was somebody else."
Louie
"And he sounded exactly like you? Where is he?"
Louie
"I don't know. Yeah."
Louie
"Go ahead and take your big dump. There you go."
Louie
"Oh, Jesus."
Louie
"All right, I get it. It sucks going out with me."
Louie
"I've been married for 10 years."
Louie
"I'm a father, all right? That's what matters to me."
Louie
"And I'm raising them, okay?"
Louie
"That's who I am. I'm a real man."
Louie
"That's what I do."
Louie
"What are you? Who are you? What's your contribution?"
Louie
"You're cute and you got a flat stomach and you're young?"
Louie
"It's-- Why am I trying to impress you?"
Louie
"Why don't you tell me about your goddamn life and try to impress me?"
Louie
"...and nothing good ends well."
Louie
"If you buy a puppy, you're bringing it to your family, saying:"
Louie
"Hey, look, everyone, we're all gonna cry soon."
Louie
"I brought home us crying in a few years."
Louie
"Here we go."
Louie
"Countdown to sorrow with a puppy."
Louie
"I remember I had a dog when I was a kid..."
Louie
"...and we had to put him to sleep because he had a tumor on his snout."
Louie
"I was home when the vet called and said:"
Louie
"...and then he'll just have this weird, round, furry head..."
Louie
"...that doesn't look like a dog."
Louie
"And we'll-- You'll-- He can only eat with a straw..."
Louie
"...but you can't teach a dog to suck through a straw..."
Louie
"...so he'll just die of being stupid and having a round head."
Louie
"I was like, Okay, well, should we make an appointment for a few weeks from--?"
Louie
"And the guy goes, Just bring him over. I'm not doing anything. I'll kill him now."
Louie
"Like, just bring him over now. Why wait? I'm not busy."
Louie
"And I remember I'm holding the dog..."
Louie
"...and he sticks him full of a crazy amount of morphine..."
Louie
"...or the right amount if you're trying to kill a dog with it."
Louie
"And my dog dies. And then I left him there because--"
Louie
"What are you gonna do with my dog? He said, He just goes in a mass grave."
Louie
"And I was like, What's that like? He goes, It's just a big pile of dead dogs."
Louie
"So...."
Louie
"That night, and I remember it was raining..."
Louie
"...and I had this nightmare that my dog woke up from the morphine..."
Louie
"...and found himself in a pile of dead dogs and crawled out past the dead-cat pile."
Louie
"He just walked-- There was thunder and lightning."
Louie
"Like one of those miraculous dogs you read about in Reader's Digest."
Louie
"And he, like, made his way home, and then he scratched on the door..."
Louie
"...and we open the door and there he is, and we go, He's here. Look, he's back."
Louie
"And then we realize we just gotta do it again."
Louie
"Gotta take him back."
Louie
"Gotta do it again. Still got a tumor on his snout."
Louie
"And the dog's like, Are you shitting me right now?"
Louie
"Can I spend the night? Jesus."
Louie
"So that's why it's hard to start dating, you know?"
Louie
"That's why it's...."
Louie
"You still got it, Louie."
Louie
"You still got it."
Louie
"Come on, now."
Louie
"Yay! Yeah."
Louie
"Daddy, my shoes don't fit anymore."
Louie
"Really? We just got you those. I know."
Louie
"Well, I'll get you some this week or Mom will get you some this weekend."
Louie
"Okay."
Louie
"I'm too tired to walk. I know, but it's good for you."
Louie
"Carry me. If I carry you, you won't get stronger."
Louie
"All right, come here."
Louie
"Okay."
Louie
"...and then kids raise their hand, you need to go and help them."
Louie
"...so they have to pick at the corner and try to get it..."
Louie
"So where you wanna go?"
Louie
"Uh, Harlem."
Louie
"Do you have kids? What kind of a person are you?"
Louie
"...and then you get old together, and then she's gonna die."
Louie
"I had a few ideas."
Louie
"Let's just go, please, like, get out the door."
Louie
"Pig."
Louie
"...and it's because I just need to get some food in me, okay?"
Louie
"Yeah, yeah, yes."
Louie
"That's a malignant tumor. He's gotta go. I was like, Can we fix it?"
Louie
"And they can't do it, they can't open it."
Louie
"What?"
Louie
"So I think you should just kill him. That's what I recommend."
Louie