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Clips from Louie (2010) - Dr. Ben / Nick (S01E01)

"Yeah, and I think I saw the bartender spit into it and wipe up some AIDS vomit."
Louie (2010)
"So how are the kids? Good."
Louie (2010)
"They're at my place. Babysitter."
Louie (2010)
"They'll be waking me up in about four hours."
Louie (2010)
"Must be nice."
Louie (2010)
"Ah. It's Andi."
Louie (2010)
"Hello? Hey, babe."
Louie (2010)
"Yeah, no. I'm out."
Louie (2010)
"Nothing."
Louie (2010)
"Yeah. No, try to get some sleep."
Louie (2010)
"You didn't tell her where you are?"
Louie (2010)
"She's just gonna start worrying. What's the use?"
Louie (2010)
"Must be nice having somebody at home worrying for you."
Louie (2010)
"You got your kids. Yeah, but a wife."
Louie (2010)
"I mean, I just think it's great that you and Andi made it work, you know?"
Louie (2010)
"You've been together, what, 15 years? Yeah, well, it ain't easy."
Louie (2010)
"Well, at least you did it."
Louie (2010)
"Miss your wife?"
Louie (2010)
"No, but I envy you."
Louie (2010)
"The other day, I get a package in the mail, right? It's from India."
Louie (2010)
"I'm like, "What the hell's this shit?" So I open it up. It's a brick of Viagra."
Louie (2010)
"I look over at Andi, she's grinning."
Louie (2010)
"Oh, my God."
Louie (2010)
"But she's gorgeous, I don't wanna be with anybody else..."
Louie (2010)
"...but, you know, some nights..."
Louie (2010)
"Yeah, but you're working it out."
Louie (2010)
"Yeah, we started counseling..."
Louie (2010)
"...and every other night, I stick a wooden, medicated boner in her..."
Louie (2010)
"...and now we sit around waiting to see who's gonna die first."
Louie (2010)
"That's about it. Jesus Christ, Nick."
Louie (2010)
"Um...."
Louie (2010)
"I don't know."
Louie (2010)
"Oh, jeez."
Louie (2010)
"- Sorry about your hand, man. - It's all right."
Louie (2010)
"I don't jerk off anymore and can lift the toilet seat with the other."
Louie (2010)
"I'm fine."
Louie (2010)
"I'm sorry I called you a Nazi. Don't worry about it, faggot."
Louie (2010)
"Hey, seriously, man. You got your kids. You're lucky."
Louie (2010)
"I'm happy for you, really."
Louie (2010)
"Thanks, Nick. Remember when we were in our 20s..."
Louie (2010)
"...we used to come home this late because we were out getting laid?"
Louie (2010)
"We never got laid."
Louie (2010)
"I remember one time I was with a friend of mine..."
Louie (2010)
"...who lives in New York also, and we went to pick up his cousin."
Louie (2010)
"She lived on a farm her whole life."
Louie (2010)
"And so she came down to visit her cousin, my friend, in the city..."
Louie (2010)
"...and so we picked her up at Port Authority Bus Station."
Louie (2010)
"She had never been to any city before, and we're picking her up..."
Louie (2010)
"...at the Port Authority, that smelly hole of a place."
Louie (2010)
"And we pick her up there, and she's just freaking out at New York."
Louie (2010)
"She's never seen anything like it."
Louie (2010)
"And we pass this homeless guy, and she sees him."
Louie (2010)
"I mean, we all passed him, but she saw him."
Louie (2010)
"She's the only one who actually saw him. We didn't."
Louie (2010)
"Me and her cousin were like, "So? He's supposed to be there. So what?"
Louie (2010)
"There's a perfectly good reason why that's not me and it's him."
Louie (2010)
"The right people always win, I'm sure of it.""
Louie (2010)
"But so there he is-- And this dude was particularly homeless."
Louie (2010)
"He was one of those high-octane homeless, smelly--"
Louie (2010)
"Just piss smell."
Louie (2010)
"The unbelievable piss smell, just-- He was piss."
Louie (2010)
"He didn't just smell like piss, he was-- When you piss, he comes out."
Louie (2010)
"That's what-- That's how much...."
Louie (2010)
"I don't know if he had gathered it for warmth..."
Louie (2010)
"...or folks just went, ech, all day."
Louie (2010)
"And he had dreadlocks."
Louie (2010)
"Not Hacky Sack, cool-guy, medical-marijuana dreadlocks..."
Louie (2010)
"...just human-neglect clumps of hair."
Louie (2010)
"A clump of hair for every year that no one knew his name or cared."
Louie (2010)
"Yeah, that's who you've been laughing at the last 10 minutes."
Louie (2010)
"That's how bad it was."
Louie (2010)
"And again, me and my friend were just like, meh."
Louie (2010)
"His cousin immediately just gets-- She's like, "Oh, my God.""
Louie (2010)
"She takes a knee."
Louie (2010)
"I'm not even taking a real knee now. That's how little I give a shit about the guy."
Louie (2010)
"He's not even here and I'm still like, "Eh. Yeah, that's close enough.""
Louie (2010)
"She goes, "Oh, my God, sir. Are you okay? What happened?""
Louie (2010)
""What happened?" America happened."
Louie (2010)
"What do you mean, "What happened?""
Louie (2010)
""Sir, can we call someone?""
Louie (2010)
"And me and my friend-- This is the crazy part."
Louie (2010)
"We immediately go to her, "Oh, no, no, no, honey, don't....""
Louie (2010)
"She's like, "Why, is he okay?" "No, he needs you desperately."
Louie (2010)
"That's not the point. We just don't do that here."
Louie (2010)
"You silly country girl.""
Louie (2010)
"Hello?"
Louie (2010)
"Louie? Hi, it's Dr. Ben."
Louie (2010)
"Um.... Look, I got back your blood work."
Louie (2010)
"Yeah?"
Louie (2010)
"Yeah, listen-- Oh, sorry about being an ass, by the way."
Louie (2010)
"What--? What for?"
Louie (2010)
"Well, your blood work shows that you may have..."
Louie (2010)
"...slight big-fat-ginger-uglyitis."
Louie (2010)
"Oh, my God. You're such a dick."
Louie (2010)
"No, um, you've got AIDS. That's what I thought, and it proved--"
Louie (2010)
"Don't worry, the cancer is gonna kill the AIDS..."
Louie (2010)
"...before it kills you quite slowly and painfully."
Louie (2010)
"No, no, I'm--"
Louie (2010)
"You do have cancer, though, loads of it, in your scrotum."
Louie (2010)
"In fact, that's all there is in the scrotum."
Louie (2010)
"No balls at all, just two healthy lumps of cancer..."
Louie (2010)
"...that replaced the horrible old squidgy bollocks that were there."
Louie (2010)
"And that's gonna kill you as well."
Louie (2010)
"So, by the way, the AIDS shows-- It's very extensive."
Louie (2010)
"It shows that you got the AIDS from raping a little blind boy."
Louie (2010)
"Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie"
Louie (2010)
"Yes, doctor, it's very ugly. Very ugly, very ugly."
Louie (2010)
"Well, it can do. I'm a doctor. Yeah."
Louie (2010)
"And we were like, "Hey, can we have everything?""
Louie (2010)
"Very funny guy. You guys might know him. Nick DiPaolo."
Louie (2010)
"He's in there because of white guilt and affirmative action."
Louie (2010)
"Poor little Nazis don't like being called Nazis."
Louie (2010)
"Oh, yeah. Over-- What the **** is wrong with you?"
Louie (2010)
"Her parents finally died, so she got to leave."
Louie (2010)
"Louie?"
Louie (2010)
"Did no one tell you tits are meant to be on women, not men?"
Louie (2010)
"Dr. Green, telephone, please."
Louie (2010)