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Clips from Abbott Elementary - Gifted Program (S01E01)

Are you ready to see your man?

"Are you ready to see your man?"

Abbott Elementary

Oh, come on, Barb. Let it go. I'm not ready.

"Oh, come on, Barb. Let it go. I'm not ready."

Abbott Elementary

Melissa Ann Schemmenti, I know you,

"Melissa Ann Schemmenti, I know you,"

Abbott Elementary

and you are not ready

"and you are not ready"

Abbott Elementary

because you are telling yourself you are not ready.

"because you are telling yourself you are not ready."

Abbott Elementary

But okay. Do what you want to do.

"But okay. Do what you want to do."

Abbott Elementary

Hey, you.

"Hey, you."

Abbott Elementary

JOE: You callin' about the timeshare?

"JOE: You callin' about the timeshare?"

Abbott Elementary

I was gonna use it in June.

"I was gonna use it in June."

Abbott Elementary

Yeah. No, no, no, no. It's something else.

"Yeah. No, no, no, no. It's something else."

Abbott Elementary

But that's fine. I prefer July anyway.

"But that's fine. I prefer July anyway."

Abbott Elementary

So, listen, um... you know after we got divorced

"So, listen, um... you know after we got divorced"

Abbott Elementary

and you started, you know, seeing Nina or whatever?

"and you started, you know, seeing Nina or whatever?"

Abbott Elementary

Weren't you...

"Weren't you..."

Abbott Elementary

Weren't you, like, just so afraid

"Weren't you, like, just so afraid"

Abbott Elementary

it was just gonna wind up like we did?

"it was just gonna wind up like we did?"

Abbott Elementary

Of course I was.

"Of course I was."

Abbott Elementary

It's hard to get near a stove once you've been burned.

"It's hard to get near a stove once you've been burned."

Abbott Elementary

Why? You thinking about cooking?

"Why? You thinking about cooking?"

Abbott Elementary

I'm thinking about trying out a new recipe.

"I'm thinking about trying out a new recipe."

Abbott Elementary

Look, we were young, and I was an idiot.

"Look, we were young, and I was an idiot."

Abbott Elementary

You deserve a chance at something better.

"You deserve a chance at something better."

Abbott Elementary

Geez, you got soft.

"Geez, you got soft."

Abbott Elementary

Ha ha. I hate you.

"Ha ha. I hate you."

Abbott Elementary

I hate you more.

"I hate you more."

Abbott Elementary

See ya, Joe.

"See ya, Joe."

Abbott Elementary

And that's why I don't think

"And that's why I don't think"

Abbott Elementary

there's a more respectable bird than the sea gull.

"there's a more respectable bird than the sea gull."

Abbott Elementary

It survives.

"It survives."

Abbott Elementary

- Agreed. - (chuckles)

"- Agreed. - (chuckles)"

Abbott Elementary

Well, well, well.

"Well, well, well."

Abbott Elementary

If it isn't the one who ran away.

"If it isn't the one who ran away."

Abbott Elementary

Yeah. That wasn't my best moment.

"Yeah. That wasn't my best moment."

Abbott Elementary

Ah! I've seen worse moments.

"Ah! I've seen worse moments."

Abbott Elementary

Yeah. Well, I'm sorry.

"Yeah. Well, I'm sorry."

Abbott Elementary

Listen, I get it.

"Listen, I get it."

Abbott Elementary

You're a beautiful woman.

"You're a beautiful woman."

Abbott Elementary

A Philly 11.

"A Philly 11."

Abbott Elementary

- (laughs) - You deserve options.

"- (laughs) - You deserve options."

Abbott Elementary

I get options --

"I get options --"

Abbott Elementary

baked chips, classic chips, cupcakes, sour candy, granola,

"baked chips, classic chips, cupcakes, sour candy, granola,"

Abbott Elementary

local, big names.

"local, big names."

Abbott Elementary

The world's your vending machine.

"The world's your vending machine."

Abbott Elementary

Well, I would still like to go out for dinner,

"Well, I would still like to go out for dinner,"

Abbott Elementary

if you're interested.

"if you're interested."

Abbott Elementary

Oh, hell yeah. How about this?

"Oh, hell yeah. How about this?"

Abbott Elementary

Me, you, Scannicchio's?

"Me, you, Scannicchio's?"

Abbott Elementary

Oh. Yeah.

"Oh. Yeah."

Abbott Elementary

That's where my ex proposed that we, you know, get a divorce,

"That's where my ex proposed that we, you know, get a divorce,"

Abbott Elementary

so, you know, not there,

"so, you know, not there,"

Abbott Elementary

but we'll -- we'll figure out a place.

"but we'll -- we'll figure out a place."

Abbott Elementary

I knew that chip metaphor would work.

"I knew that chip metaphor would work."

Abbott Elementary

(laughs)

"(laughs)"

Abbott Elementary

Oh, you know, speaking of options, I would love it

"Oh, you know, speaking of options, I would love it"

Abbott Elementary

if some SnackWell's could find their way back into Row E.

"if some SnackWell's could find their way back into Row E."

Abbott Elementary

Please.

"Please."

Abbott Elementary

I'll see what I can do.

"I'll see what I can do."

Abbott Elementary

All right.

"All right."

Abbott Elementary

(cart rattling)

"(cart rattling)"

Abbott Elementary

Yeah, he'll get 'em. I'm a Philly 11.

"Yeah, he'll get 'em. I'm a Philly 11."

Abbott Elementary

(snaps fingers)

"(snaps fingers)"

Abbott Elementary

You so smart.

"You so smart."

Abbott Elementary

My little Science Oprah goin' crazy in the botanies.

"My little Science Oprah goin' crazy in the botanies."

Abbott Elementary

Do you mean botany?

"Do you mean botany?"

Abbott Elementary

That's what I said.

"That's what I said."

Abbott Elementary

Anyway, my friend Crystal is always bragging

"Anyway, my friend Crystal is always bragging"

Abbott Elementary

about how her kids are so smart.

"about how her kids are so smart."

Abbott Elementary

Obviously, I have the smartest kids.

"Obviously, I have the smartest kids."

Abbott Elementary

Maybe you can make a video

"Maybe you can make a video"

Abbott Elementary

memorizing the periodic table or something.

"memorizing the periodic table or something."

Abbott Elementary

Send that to Crystal.

"Send that to Crystal."

Abbott Elementary

What do you do here?

"What do you do here?"

Abbott Elementary

I'm the principal.

"I'm the principal."

Abbott Elementary

But you don't do anything.

"But you don't do anything."

Abbott Elementary

(telephone ringing in distance, copy machine clicking)

"(telephone ringing in distance, copy machine clicking)"

Abbott Elementary

We shuttin' this down. He gettin' too smart.

"We shuttin' this down. He gettin' too smart."

Abbott Elementary

Oh. No. Wait.

"Oh. No. Wait."

Abbott Elementary

Actually, we were all just talking about

"Actually, we were all just talking about"

Abbott Elementary