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Clips from Weeds - Ducks and Tigers (S05E05)

"Yeah, but we love pot."
Weeds
"Do you think Ulysses S. Grant was stoned..."
Weeds
"...when he won World War I?"
Weeds
"Or Gore when he beat global warming?"
Weeds
"Going into battle with a formidable opponent."
Weeds
"We have to be our very best."
Weeds
"Then we can fuck that bitch up good so she stays fucked up."
Weeds
"So for now, we back off the weed."
Weeds
"And how do you have a cell phone?"
Weeds
"I always got the newest shit."
Weeds
"-What, you want me to hook you up? -No. I'm in the middle of a contract."
Weeds
"Those fuckers tried to give me a hard time too..."
Weeds
"...so I had a friend visit the call center up in Burnsville, Minnesota."
Weeds
"You should mention my name. Ask for Bill Sondergaard."
Weeds
"He'll be the one that sounds like he's talking through a broken jaw."
Weeds
"Does this mean you're gonna help me with my little problem?"
Weeds
"See, now, about that."
Weeds
"Pilar Zuazo, she's Manny Ramirez."
Weeds
"You a peewee league pitcher."
Weeds
"Gotta wonder, what the fuck you doing on the mound?"
Weeds
"You can't do shit. You're locked up."
Weeds
"Don't get it twisted, mami, I'm still working."
Weeds
"I'm just telecommuting for now."
Weeds
"Well, can you do it or not?"
Weeds
"I don't know. Depends if you can help me out."
Weeds
"Help get my case transferred to Mexico."
Weeds
"-See, that tunnel that you shut down-- -Nasty rumor."
Weeds
"It spanned two countries."
Weeds
"Thanks to you, the last of the American agents..."
Weeds
"...who could testify as to which side I was standing on, he's dead now."
Weeds
"So?"
Weeds
"So I need someone more high level Mexi-juice..."
Weeds
"...to help get my case transferred there."
Weeds
"-And then what? -Then I'm David Blaine in Mexico."
Weeds
"I slide under doors in Mexico."
Weeds
"You're not gonna come after me?"
Weeds
"Blanca, we're like one of those YouTube videos."
Weeds
"You know, where a tiger and a duck get all confused..."
Weeds
"...they become friends, and, you know, it seems okay..."
Weeds
"...but you never really know, do you?"
Weeds
"God, I hated anatomy."
Weeds
"Memorizing all 206 bones in the body is not easy."
Weeds
"Wow, your hands feel good."
Weeds
"That's my fibula."
Weeds
"-See, I still got it. -Oh, yeah."
Weeds
"-What was I saying? -Wonderful, interesting things."
Weeds
"-That's my tibia. -Okay. Silence."
Weeds
"But I was gonna tell you about Yemen."
Weeds
"-Yemen can wait. -Patella."
Weeds
"-Okay, Audra. I mean, Andy. -Andy."
Weeds
"-I just called you Audra. -I know."
Weeds
"Femur."
Weeds
"Trochanter."
Weeds
"Femoral neck."
Weeds
"Femoral head."
Weeds
"Oh, God."
Weeds
"Okay."
Weeds
"No, no, no."
Weeds
"This is what I do."
Weeds
"So just, you lay back."
Weeds
"This is embarrassing."
Weeds
"Never mind."
Weeds
"Look, I've been single for a while..."
Weeds
"...so my battery-powered helpers have made it difficult--"
Weeds
"Who the--?"
Weeds
"-That didn't shoot out of you, right? -That's Gayle. He followed us. Fuck."
Weeds
"He brought some friends. Holy sh-- God."
Weeds
"-Let's call the police. -No use."
Weeds
"I knew it was a bad idea having you pick me up."
Weeds
"Gayle has a thing for me."
Weeds
"If you love something, throw tomatoes at it."
Weeds
"Oh, now I'm gonna have to move in."
Weeds
"-Seriously? -I'm always moving."
Weeds
"They find out where I live and I move again."
Weeds
"They're dangerous, Andy."
Weeds
"Stay with me while you figure out your move."
Weeds
"What?"
Weeds
"-No, I can't. -I got a big house."
Weeds
"You get your own room."
Weeds
"Me and the General got you into this, so...."
Weeds
"Just-- Why don't you think about it, okay?"
Weeds
"Oh, God. What are you doing?"
Weeds
"If you don't climax, the terrorists win."
Weeds
"Can't let that happen."
Weeds
"A Baja federal judge is holding it up."
Weeds
"Well, can you ask him to un-hold it?"
Weeds
"You should not have been visiting Guillermo Garcia-Gomez in jail."
Weeds
"We have a history."
Weeds
"I'd come and visit you too."
Weeds
"Smuggle in gold chains and shiny shirts."
Weeds
"Oh, hi, honey. Can I make you something?"
Weeds
"You know how to make beer?"
Weeds
"You're not having any more beer."
Weeds
"That was a special occasion."
Weeds
"-You got shot. -I know."
Weeds
"I'm kidding."
Weeds
"Like it or not, we all have to work together now."
Weeds
"It's for our own safety."
Weeds
"Why don't you stick to breastfeeding?"
Weeds
"Well, fuck you. Just do it."
Weeds
"Good."
Weeds
"And you can't kill him. If anyone gets hurt..."
Weeds
"...I'm telling Esteban you tried to shoot me. His heart will break."
Weeds
"I'm good at killing."
Weeds
"No killing."
Weeds
"Life's a drag."
Weeds
"Oh, come on."
Weeds
"Big baby."
Weeds
"Seriously, tell me why we're here or I'm leaving."
Weeds
"Well, now that I'm a giant success, I wanna pamper myself."
Weeds
"And I want to extend the pampering experience..."
Weeds
"...to my child, whose company I enjoy."
Weeds
"She'll take a bottle of the Sebastian Shaper Spray."
Weeds
"Because she's my salon buddy."
Weeds
"Wait, fine, fine. Fine."
Weeds
"I want to apologize."
Weeds
"When you told me you were gay, I didn't react well."
Weeds
"You told me you would take my rug-munching ass..."
Weeds
"...to reparative therapy."
Weeds
"Well, that was old Mommy."
Weeds
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