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Clips from Uncoupled - Chapter 5 (S01E01)

"Let me show you Pig Trough."
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"Thank you."
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"Ahem. It's right over here."
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"Well played. You're a good friend."
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"Thank you."
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"He won't really make me pay for that, will he?"
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"This is so weird. I swear I remember this one."
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"Oh my God, yes."
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"It was on a postcard I bought in the Village in the tenth grade."
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"I was a nervous wreck on the bus home,"
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"clutching my backpack like Gollum with the ring."
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"It was ninth grade for me."
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"Somebody shoved it in my locker with "faggot" scrawled across the back."
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"But the front,"
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"perfect."
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"It was the pride and joy of my teenage wank bank."
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"Me too."
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"Wild."
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"It's like the universe…"
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"-Is that your first one? -I haven't eaten a thing all day."
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"-This part feels like Christmas morning. -Oh yeah."
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"-Opening presents."
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"-Mm! -I hope you like what Santa brought you."
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"Best Christmas ever."
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"All right, my turn."
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"Oh!"
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"Whoa, it just keeps on going."
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"Congratulations to your parents, Paul and Mary Bunyan."
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"I hope you're not a grower."
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"Oh my God! You are."
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"Oh, wow!"
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"Okay, well, fortunately, I can unhinge my jaw like a python."
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"Oh, actually, um…"
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"I was hoping that"
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"I could…"
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"Seriously? With that thing?"
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"I'll go easy."
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"-You are so tense. -I… Uh…"
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"Um…"
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"-Come here. -Okay."
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"-Just relax. -I'm sorry."
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"I've just been accustomed to a certain size and circumference for a lot of years,"
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"and it's kind of minor league with what you got goin' on down there."
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"You know, I have heard that before."
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"And, um… there is a workaround."
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"What, poppers and a prayer?"
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"I can use an anal paralytic. It's off-label, but it works like a charm."
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"What…"
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"You wanna Botox my butthole?"
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"Just a few ccs."
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"It'll deaden the sphincter reflex, and then, pah! I'm in."
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"There is not one word in that sentence that doesn't terrify me."
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"Don't worry, I'm great with the needle. You will hardly feel a thing."
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"Hardly--"
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"Come on. You spent all night telling me how open you are."
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"Yeah, spiritually!"
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"Um, I don't really want you to Botox my ass,"
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"and, sidebar, when would it snap back?"
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"How long would I walk around with an asshole like a loose turtleneck?"
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"I… I'm sorry. I… I can't do this."
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"Wait, no. It wa-- it was just an idea. Look, see?"
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"-What are you doin'? -I'm not supposed to be here."
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"I'm not supposed to know about Botoxed buttholes, and PrEP,"
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"and-- and no condoms."
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"I am supposed to be sitting on my couch watching TV"
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"while my boyfriend is chewing way too loud beside me."
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"That is the world that I want. I miss that world, and I want it back."
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"And if I can't have it back,"
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"then I want it to be a year from now, or ten years,"
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"and all this pain and anger and change will be over."
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"Okay, I get it, I get it. I really do. Can I just say one thing?"
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"Sure."
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"How about just the tip?"
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"No, he's a great guy, Dad, really, and it started out well. It just…"
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"wasn't a good fit."
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"I gotta go."
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"Good news. The loan funded into escrow,"
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"we close the Claire deal in two weeks, Raffi almost smiled."
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"Oh, and guess what? The asshole guru, teacher, whatever, was right about me too."
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"I realized who the man in my bed is."
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"Kai, my son."
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"-Ew. -I know."
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"When I think of all the times I reach for the remote without looking. Ugh!"
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"Could've been a Freudian nightmare. We gotta find him his own place stat."
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"And I gotta get back out there and find somebody that turns me on."
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"Well, good luck with that. Out there is no fun."
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"What happened to the doctor?"
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"It all went away!"
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"The guy, the forgiveness, the compassion. I'm right where I was."
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"It's now, it's not a year from now, and now sucks!"
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"I know you're mad, honey, but we're gonna need that stapler."
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"I'm just gonna grow older and older, until one day, I'm Jack."
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"-Who's Jack? -Old guy that lives on my floor."
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"Keeps putting Post-it notes on my door, asking me over for drinks."
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"Because we have so much in common."
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"Gay, old, alone."
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"I got one of those in my building too."
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"Three hairs here, 20 down here."
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"You'll kill me before that happens, won't you?"
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"Michael Lawson!"
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"I thought I saw you back there in the market. I waved!"
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"Did you see the skinny ice cream on sale?"
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"Three hundred calories for the whole pint!"
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"Not that you need it."
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"Look at you. Snake hips. That's what we used to call it."
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"Thanks, I think?"
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"Don't you miss the way things used to be?"
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"Only every minute of every day."
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"That's why I'm moving."
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"Miami."
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"Can't take the winters anymore."
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"I'm thinking, if I can get two… 2.2, with a good Realtor…"
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"You think you can handle that?"
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"Wait, you want me to sell your--"
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"Who else?"
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"I left a few notes on your door, but if you're too busy…"
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"No, right, of course you did."
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"I'm sorry, Jack."
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"I can definitely handle it. Thank you."
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"Sorry. I'm just a little thrown. I was not expecting something good."
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