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Clips from The Goldbergs - O Captain! My Captain! (S04E04)

"Every ninth-grade girl, no matter how she looks,"
The Goldbergs
"feels uncomfortable in her own skin."
The Goldbergs
"There's a hunk of lettuce in your braces."
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"- How did you not feel it? - I was going through a salad phase!"
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"My point is, Emmy just needs a friend who understands how she feels."
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"Seriously, though, there's like a whole head of romaine in there."
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"I am gonna give you one second to walk away. One!"
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"ADULT ADAM: As I was learning how to be a better friend,"
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"my mom was teaching Barry how to be a better student."
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"I don't understand! This is my house, not my school."
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"Now that I have the teaching tools I learned in a movie,"
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"I will not rest until you get an "A" in this class."
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"Okay, now, the atomic symbol "C" stands for what?"
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"- Chemistry. - Carbon."
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"It stands for carbon."
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"But it also stands for chemistry, so half a point?"
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"Okay. Name three types of inert gases."
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"Easy. There's regular, unleaded, and farts?"
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"- "Farts"? - Farts."
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"The answer is not farts!"
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"How is fart not a gas?"
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"Science makes no sense, and I don't need it!"
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"Especially 'cause I'm gonna marry Kathy Ireland."
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"- Who? - Supermodel Kathy Ireland."
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"I'm gonna be her lazy mooch of a husband"
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"who lives in her mansion in Ireland!"
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"Now, if you'll excuse me,"
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"I'm gonna go brush up on my Irish culture..."
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"(BAD IRISH ACCENT) And find me gold at the end of the rainbow, mon."
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"Well, that accent was definitely Jamaican."
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"Boopie, don't give up! Mama believes in you."
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"Question. Why?"
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"You're a substitute teacher. Just give the boy a damn "A" already."
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"You want me to cheat?"
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"Of course I do."
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"We got to get that moron into some sort of college."
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"Can you believe this, Dad? He thinks Barry can't do it."
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"His answer was "farts"."
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"Okay, you really want him to buckle down?"
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"Let me go upstairs and get his ass in gear."
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"By yelling at him and calling him a moron?"
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"No way. That doesn't work."
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"BEVERLY: Barry needs inspiration."
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"All I need to do is unlock his potential,"
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"and then the sky's the limit."
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"His many limits are the limit."
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"His answer was "farts"."
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"ADULT ADAM: That day, I was also on a mission to prove to Emmy I felt her pain."
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"All right, hormonal disasters! It's time to pick teams."
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"- Shirts, Skins, Shirts, Skins... - Okay, so why exactly did we cut math"
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"to sit in on some random gym class?"
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"What you're witnessing"
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"is a barbaric practice known as "Shirts vs. Skins.""
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"Nothing is worse than having to awkwardly disrobe"
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"in front of your bros."
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"You got to be kidding me."
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"I know! I mean, why not shorts vs. Pants?"
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"Or red shirts vs. Blue shirts?"
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"Sure, it would take some planning the night before,"
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"but I could get a phone tree going."
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"I mean, we are not the same."
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"Do you wear thick, baggy-ass clothes"
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"when it's 90 degrees out to hide your body?"
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"I thought you wear that 'cause you love Epcot."
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"I've never even been there! Why would I love it?"
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"'Cause it's like taking a trip around the world"
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"without leaving the safe confines of Orlando?"
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"Being a "Skin" in gym"
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"is nothing compared to being stared at all day."
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"Well, if you think about it, my thing's actually way worse"
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"'cause at least you get to cover up with bulky fabrics."
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"I get no fabrics! None!"
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"You're a douche lord!"
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"Hey, Bar, how's studying with Mom going?"
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"Rad as all get-out."
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"Only took two minutes to finish all of my homework."
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"She's really teaching you science stuff?"
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"Let's just say Mom is gonna be very pleased with my answers."
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"Pops, give us a taste. Question one."
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""What is the chemical symbol for sodium?""
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"And my answer?"
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""My mommy is the best mommy ever of all mommies on Planet Mommy.""
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"Nailed it!"
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"What the hell are you doing, you moron?"
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"Just giving the lady the answers she always wanted to hear."
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"Pops, what's the atomic weight of chloride?"
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""Wittle Barry-wary like Mummy's snuggy-wuggies.""
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"Okay, this is just nonsense."
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"ADULT ADAM: And with that, my dad knew it was time"
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"to inspire Barry in his own way."
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"Look, I hate to tell you this,"
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"but your mom is looking for any excuse to fail you."
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"What? Why?"
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"Mom telling you to study is just a trick,"
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"because she knows you never do what she says."
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"I do don't do that!"
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"She really wants you to fail so you don't graduate."
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"And no college means you live here forever."
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"And that means she picks out your clothes for the rest of your life."
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"But I want Kathy Ireland"
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"to pick out my clothes for the rest of my life."
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"Well, I hope she enjoys sharing a family bathroom."
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"No! She likes sushi and smoothies and Malibu!"
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"- I don't know what to tell you. - Mom will not control me."
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"I will learn all chemistry... No, all science!"
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"- Mom says you won't. - Oh, I will."
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"Time for me to tear off this plastic shrink-wrap"
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"and get to learning."
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"But the year is half-over."
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"And that, my friend, is how you truly inspire a kid."
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"All you did was use his mother as a weapon to rile him up."
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"I do it all the time."
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"It's how I got Erica to learn piano, Adam to ice skate."
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"I just tell them that their mom is holding them back."
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"You do know that if Bev finds out about this,"
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"she'll never forgive you."
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"No doubt."
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"Ah, screw it. You did what you had to do."
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"ADULT ADAM: It had been days since Emmy talked to me,"
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"so I decided to recruit someone who spoke her language."
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