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Clips from Archer - Archer: 1999 -- Bort the Garj (S10E10)

"[screaming]"
Archer
"ANNOUNCER: FXX presents Archer 1999."
Archer
"[ominous tone]"
Archer
"♪"
Archer
"ARCHER: Altair Beta?"
Archer
"Why'd you wake me up way the hell out here?"
Archer
"MALORY:We picked up a distress beacon."
Archer
"Not surprising."
Archer
"Altair Beta's not the best neighborhood."
Archer
"MALORY: Unless you're a Dri'n pirate."
Archer
"ARCHER: Yeah, speaking of--"
Archer
"looks like pirateshit that transport pretty hard."
Archer
"Well, what say we go pick the bones?"
Archer
"[chuckles] I'd say, uh, unfortunate choice of words."
Archer
"Figuratively. Hopefully."
Archer
"Well, I'm in, but you know what she's gonna say."
Archer
"Why, does she talk in her sleep?"
Archer
"What? Mother, come on. We can't not..."
Archer
"I mean, Lana's the co-captain, so..."
Archer
"-So? -Huh."
Archer
"W-Well, should we wake up anybody?"
Archer
"-Why would we? -Good point."
Archer
"Let's go check it out."
Archer
"W-Wait, Mother."
Archer
"-Hang on. -[farts]"
Archer
"Oh, for the..."
Archer
"-You are disgusting. -[snickering]"
Archer
"Me? He's the one wallowing in..."
Archer
"[sniffing]"
Archer
"Oh, freeze-dried shepherd's pie."
Archer
"[sniffing] Ugh! And banana pudding."
Archer
"♪"
Archer
"So, on the off chance"
Archer
"the pirates left anything worth taking..."
Archer
"MALORY: There's no sense cutting"
Archer
"the rest of those idiots in on the deal."
Archer
"Yeah, they'll just... Wait,"
Archer
"what do you mean, "the rest of those idiots?""
Archer
"-Hmm?-Are you implying I'm an idiot?"
Archer
"-No, I... -Yes, you were."
Archer
"I wasn't implying anything. You..."
Archer
"-[alarm blaring] -COMPUTER: Proximity alert."
Archer
"Proximity alert."
Archer
"Proximity alert."
Archer
"-What the hell? -Proximity alert."
Archer
"[alarm stops]"
Archer
"-[sighs] Idiot. -Aha! See?"
Archer
"-You were implying it. -I'm saying it!"
Archer
"Now can you please just dock the damn thing?"
Archer
"[crash]"
Archer
"-Yes. -LANA: Nope!"
Archer
"-[sighs] Here we go. -Oh, goody."
Archer
"And just what in my own personal hell"
Archer
"-do you two think you're doing?-Well..."
Archer
"And don't insult my intelligenceby lying to me."
Archer
"Okay, then..."
Archer
"Never mind."
Archer
"[Archer theme playing]"
Archer
"ARCHER: Damn it, Krieger, why'd you have to wake her up?"
Archer
"You big-mouth... fish."
Archer
"Don't call me fish! And I didn't write my code,"
Archer
"-so don't yell at me. -I'll do the yelling."
Archer
"Great, that way we know you're getting enough oxygen."
Archer
"Now, somebody explain to me"
Archer
"why you're docking the ship without permission."
Archer
"-Permission? -Look, we picked up a distress beacon,"
Archer
"and we thought, you know, that we'd..."
Archer
"Leave us all in stasis while you sneak in there"
Archer
"to loot whatever the pirates might've left behind"
Archer
"in there, which-- spoiler alert-- is jack-shit"
Archer
"unless you're counting the ionic charges"
Archer
"they left as booby-traps!"
Archer
"Well, you've clearly already made up your mind, so..."
Archer
"[sighs] Somebody tell me this is a joke."
Archer
"Oh, what, you being first mate?Sadly, no. Not a joke."
Archer
"No, this. Which better not be what it looks like."
Archer
"[laughs] That's better than what it smells like."
Archer
"-Huh? -Which is a giant bag of assholes."
Archer
"-What? -Cyril, you reek."
Archer
"No, I...[sniffs]"
Archer
"Is that shepherd's pie?"
Archer
"[giggles] And banana pudding."
Archer
"Damn it, Archer."
Archer
"Did you fart in my stasis pod again?"
Archer
"-Why, I oughta... -You oughta wash off"
Archer
"that 'nana puddin'."
Archer
"[grunting]"
Archer
"Stop touching me! You stink!"
Archer
"Will you two knock it off?"
Archer
"-Yes. -Ow!"
Archer
"Why do we even serve shepherd's pie?"
Archer
"And, follow-up, why do we have"
Archer
"the world's loneliest courtesan on board?"
Archer
"-[gasps] -Seriously, though,"
Archer
"this whole place smells like a fart shit its pants."
Archer
"PAM: Did somebody say pants?"
Archer
"[laughing, cheering, applause]"
Archer
"[laughing, applause quiets]"
Archer
"'Cause I'm not wearing any."
Archer
"Because welcome to the freak show."
Archer
"What? Said the bug zapper."
Archer
"-Yeah, and speaking of. -What?"
Archer
"We had a deal."
Archer
"-[all grumbling] -ARCHER: Yeah, come on, Mom."
Archer
"[sighs] Oh, all right."
Archer
"-Happy? -No, actually."
Archer
"Because you two were about to violate quarantine protocols,"
Archer
"possibly exposing my ship to dangerous..."
Archer
"-It's not your ship! -Half of it is."
Archer
"Because I had a shitty divorce lawyer."
Archer
"Whose fault is that?"
Archer
"You're the one who wanted a divorce!"
Archer
"When what I should've done is just wait for you"
Archer
"to get murdered by one of the enemies you either owe money,"
Archer
"cheated, cuckolded, straight-up stole from,"
Archer
"or some combination thereof."
Archer
"[clears throat] Your point being?"
Archer
"Her point, Captain Doctor Science,"
Archer
"is you can't expose just half the ship"
Archer
"to potentially deadly microorganisms."
Archer
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