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Clips from Weeds - A Distinctive Horn (S05E05)

"-Today's pollen count is off the charts. -I'll give him that."
Weeds
"-I'll see you at 7. -Yes."
Weeds
"She likes me."
Weeds
"She's gonna burn in hell for all of eternity."
Weeds
"Well, I'd rather laugh with the sinners, Gayle."
Weeds
"For now."
Weeds
"Lupita. Thank you."
Weeds
"Good timing. William Morris just merged with Endeavor..."
Weeds
"...and Mr. Kaplan, out on his ass."
Weeds
"Look like a dive bar."
Weeds
"Yeah, I haven't had time to redecorate yet."
Weeds
"So where's my bedroom?"
Weeds
"You know, we're a little short on bedrooms."
Weeds
"Upstairs. Upstairs. Your bedroom's upstairs. I'm sleeping on the couch."
Weeds
"I had my last baby when I was 52. The women in my family bleed forever."
Weeds
"-How old are you? -Thirty-seven."
Weeds
"-So that baby, one-night stand? -Little more complicated than that."
Weeds
"-Maybe he leave his wife. -Even more complicated."
Weeds
"Good to see you, Nancy."
Weeds
"You pay me cash. You feed me."
Weeds
"I no work on Sundays or when Secretos Houston is on TV."
Weeds
"-Done. -No cleaning, no laundry, just baby."
Weeds
"-Done. -I like it. This is nice."
Weeds
"Ocean. Maybe I start surfing again."
Weeds
"-Shane. So tall. -Hi, Lupita."
Weeds
"-You surf too? -No."
Weeds
"-I teach you. -Okay."
Weeds
"-Surfing lessons extra. -Of course they are."
Weeds
"-Oregon. -Yeah."
Weeds
"And then West Germany."
Weeds
"And then Uruguay."
Weeds
"-You? -Tarzana."
Weeds
"And then the other side of Tarzana."
Weeds
"What did you wanna be when you were a kid?"
Weeds
"Jane Goodall."
Weeds
"-You? -A dog."
Weeds
"This is fun. I'm having fun."
Weeds
"It's getting kind of late. I think I should go soon."
Weeds
"What?"
Weeds
"Haven't even gotten our combo platos yet."
Weeds
"-Are you feeling okay? -Yeah, I'm great. I...."
Weeds
"Just considering my options for the rest of the evening, and my p.j.'s..."
Weeds
"...and the Friday Night Lights box set is winning hands down."
Weeds
"We're having a great date. What's wrong?"
Weeds
"-Nutshell? I'm past you. -Past me in what?"
Weeds
"In life."
Weeds
"Look, Andy, I know there are plenty of girls that would be dazzled..."
Weeds
"...by 2-dollar-taco night at Borracho's..."
Weeds
"...and the fact that you can balance a saltshaker on your nose..."
Weeds
"...but, honestly, you lost me about 15 minutes in."
Weeds
"-This is stunning. I'm stunned. -Stunned? Really?"
Weeds
"You're unemployed. You're closer to 40 than 30."
Weeds
"You drive a car from a TV show."
Weeds
"Your greatest recent accomplishment was beating..."
Weeds
"...the upside-down kill screen in "Ms. Pac-Man.""
Weeds
"I didn't beat it, I just got to it. Died almost immediately."
Weeds
"-The thing's upside down. -You're a frozen margarita, Andy."
Weeds
"Well, I happen to like slushy beverages, yeah."
Weeds
"And I'm a doctor."
Weeds
"Okay."
Weeds
"Fine. You're a doctor."
Weeds
"I play doctor."
Weeds
"Why did you even agree to go out with me?"
Weeds
"Because my mother always said that if they feed you, go."
Weeds
"But I'm starting to realize my mother gave me lots of bad advice."
Weeds
"Thank you for the drink."
Weeds
"-Well, I'll-- I'll drive you home. -No. It's all right."
Weeds
"I'll find my own way."
Weeds
"Preferably in a car where the doors open."
Weeds
"Good night, Andy."
Weeds
"This baby sleep too much."
Weeds
"It probably just wants to wake up when it's all over."
Weeds
"Oh, shit. Now I'm calling it an it. Him an it."
Weeds
"Him a him. I need to name this baby."
Weeds
"I go surf now. I like "Bernardo." Like in West Side Story."
Weeds
"Bernardo Botwin."
Weeds
"-I'll think about it. -Bernardo?"
Weeds
"He gets killed by Tony."
Weeds
"On the birth certificate, he'd be "Andy Jr.""
Weeds
"That's what I call my penis. Wait. No."
Weeds
"God. Need to stop playing doctor and be a doctor."
Weeds
"What?"
Weeds
"I wanna do this. I wanna be the father."
Weeds
"-Really? -Really."
Weeds
"But I mean "really" really. If my name is on this child's birth certificate..."
Weeds
"...then I will be its father, and we will raise it together."
Weeds
"-Him. -Him. Fifty-percent ownership."
Weeds
"Half the voting shares."
Weeds
"And I'm on the bema at the bar mitzvah."
Weeds
"-Oh, he's Jewish now? -Reform, but yeah."
Weeds
"And just so you know, I'm not doing this for you."
Weeds
"This is for me. I want something that matters in my life."
Weeds
"I wanna be a substantial human being. Know what I mean?"
Weeds
"-Substantial. -Yeah, substantial."
Weeds
"He's substantially wet. I think you should change him, Papa."
Weeds
"All right."
Weeds
"What's up?"
Weeds
"All right, come on, little buddy."
Weeds
"Let's see what you're packing downstairs."
Weeds
"Let's see what's going on down here, huh?"
Weeds
"I know it. I--"
Weeds
"-Bun's still on the hot dog. -Oh, right, that."
Weeds
"Gotta take care of that. Next checkup."
Weeds
"Checkup? No, no, no. A bris, with a mohel and a rabbi."
Weeds
"Yeah. Bagels and whitefish. Those are my demands."
Weeds
"-Demands? -That's right."
Weeds
"Because I'm the papa."
Weeds
"I'm the papa. Yes. Tradition."
Weeds
"Who are all these people?"
Weeds
"The rabbi brought them. Apparently you need ten Jews..."
Weeds
"...to watch him lose his dickhead, or it's not official."
Weeds
"That's it. Mazeltov. Let's name this baby and eat."
Weeds
"-Nice work, Rabbi. -Well, thank you."
Weeds
"-I've been at it a while. -What do you practice on?"
Weeds
"Goyim."
Weeds
"I think it's a barbaric ritual."
Weeds
"Well, it represents a covenant between our people and God."
Weeds
"-It decreases pleasure. -Paid for my summerhouse."
Weeds
"Well, excuse me."
Weeds
"Will you look at this?"
Weeds
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