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Clips from Archer - Archer: 1999 -- Robert De Niro (S10E10)

"[screaming]"
Archer
"ANNOUNCER: FXX presents Archer 1999."
Archer
"Ray: All right, let's get this over with."
Archer
"[clears throat]"
Archer
"This proceeding and any sentences arising therefrom"
Archer
"shall be conducted under the Federation Judicial Code,"
Archer
"Article Nine, in re attempted murder"
Archer
"and mutiny, both capital offenses."
Archer
"Now, I know you've all been sworn,"
Archer
"and I have read your complaints."
Archer
"- I have a question. - Is it, "What's the best way"
Archer
"to interrupt a judge?" - [laughs] No."
Archer
"- Then-- - It's, "Why does a spaceship"
Archer
"have an enormousdedicated courtroom in it?""
Archer
"- Yeah, right? - I don't know!"
Archer
"I didn't build it. - Well, it's ridiculous."
Archer
"I basically sleep in a coffin,and this could have been..."
Archer
"2 1/2 squash courts."
Archer
"- Ooh, or a holodeck! - We havea holodeck."
Archer
"- Yeah, but we never use it. - Can we please--"
Archer
"- Oh, so hey,why not just have the holodeck"
Archer
"turn into a courtroom?"
Archer
"- Ooh, or 2 1/2 squash courts."
Archer
"[gavel banging] - Order! Order, or I will"
Archer
"hold you all in a different kind of contempt."
Archer
"[grunts]"
Archer
"Now, then, Mr. Figgis,"
Archer
"are the people ready to proceed?"
Archer
"- [laughs]"
Archer
"Oh, yeah. [laughs]"
Archer
"Uh... - [clears throat]"
Archer
"- Oh, uh, sorry. Yes, Your Honor, the, uh--"
Archer
"- [clears throat] - What is--"
Archer
"Ray: [clears throat] - Oh, come on, seriously?"
Archer
"[sighs] Yes, Your Honor."
Archer
"The people are ready to proceed."
Archer
"- That's what I thought."
Archer
"And is the defendant ready to proceed?"
Archer
"- No, the defendant is not because there is no defendant"
Archer
"because this whole thing is a sham and a farce,"
Archer
"and I don't recognize this kangaroo court's authority"
Archer
"because it's presided over by a male prostitute."
Archer
"- Courtesan! - Pobobot!"
Archer
"[gavel clacking]"
Archer
"- And by God, you will recognize it"
Archer
"because prior to my current circumstances,"
Archer
"for 16 years, I was a Federation High Court Justice!"
Archer
"- I have a question. - Woman, I swear to God."
Archer
"- How'd you go from beinga Federation judge"
Archer
"to, like,blowing space truckers?"
Archer
"- Well, missy."
Archer
"[chuckling] Th-that is a--"
Archer
"oh, that is a long, crazy story."
Archer
"[clears throat]"
Archer
"But it is entirely nongermane"
Archer
"to the solemn proceeding before this bench."
Archer
"And so, Mr. Archer,"
Archer
"having reminded you that the man who represents himself"
Archer
"has a fool for a client--"
Archer
"- [laughs] I'm not representing myself."
Archer
"- Well, then who is?"
Archer
"- [laughs] Oh, just TV's Michael Gray."
Archer
"- Who, for reasons known but to God,"
Archer
"is wearing seersucker."
Archer
"- So if you wanna go aheadand do that motion to dismiss,"
Archer
"now would, uh, maybe be a good time."
Archer
"Oh, and also, we wish to countersue."
Archer
"- I'm not typing that. - What?"
Archer
"Ray: I'm gonna allow it!"
Archer
"- For injuries and damages from you assholes"
Archer
"attempting to murder me"
Archer
"so Lana could steal half of the ship."
Archer
"Well, when TV's Michael Gray is done with you,"
Archer
"I'm gonna own your half."
Archer
"- So, hey, I don't think this is going as well"
Archer
"as you think it's going."
Archer
"- You goddamn crook."
Archer
"[main title theme]"
Archer
"♪ ♪"
Archer
"[Archer grunting] [Lana struggling]"
Archer
"- Jesus, okay.I think that's enough."
Archer
"I don't wish to cause the witness"
Archer
"any further distress. - I'm fine, Your Honor."
Archer
"- What about my magazine? - Will you--"
Archer
"- There's lots more video, Your Honor."
Archer
"- Like the part when Pam smashed me in the head"
Archer
"with a fire extinguisher."
Archer
"- [laughing] Yeah!"
Archer
"Play that!Ka-klunk!"
Archer
"[laughs] [gavel clacking]"
Archer
"- Do the people haveany further questions"
Archer
"for this witness? - Not at this time, Your Honor."
Archer
"- Then your witness."
Archer
"- Well?Uh, what are you waiting for?"
Archer
"[tense music]"
Archer
"Get up thereand cross-examine her."
Archer
"What are you, hourly?"
Archer
"- I think I would be,"
Archer
"if I was a lawyer."
Archer
"- Damn it. - Look at me."
Archer
"Look at me. Look at me."
Archer
"Something is wrong with your brain."
Archer
"You need to plead not guilty"
Archer
"by reason of insanity."
Archer
"Beg them for mercy"
Archer
"and realize you're hallucinating me."
Archer
"- I'll see youdisbarred for this."
Archer
"- Great, look forward to it."
Archer
"- Point of procedure."
Archer
"I, uh, no longer wishto be represented"
Archer
"by TV's Michael Gray."
Archer
"- All righty."
Archer
"Are the peopleokay with him"
Archer
"not havingan imaginary lawyer?"
Archer
"- [chuckling] They're great with it."
Archer
"- Then your witness."
Archer
"- Thank you. Now, then, Miss Kane, is it?"
Archer
"[static crackling]"
Archer
"- Yup. [static crackling]"
Archer
"- [sighs] Um..."
Archer
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