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Clips from Seinfeld - The Bris (S05E05)

"At a hospital, the treatment is to lie in a bed."
Seinfeld
"Whatever's wrong with a human being, lie down."
Seinfeld
"Doctor never says, "Well, your condition isn't as bad as we thought."
Seinfeld
"We want you to kind of lean against a doorjamb for seven to 10 days."
Seinfeld
"See how that feels.""
Seinfeld
"Always a bed. Unless you go to the emergency room..."
Seinfeld
"...then it's a chair. You've been shot, stabbed, run over:"
Seinfeld
""Have a seat.""
Seinfeld
"There's always an interesting cultural, ethnic mix to the hospital staff."
Seinfeld
"It's like a local news team in there."
Seinfeld
"The doctor's the anchorman. He's got white hair, he's in charge."
Seinfeld
"The nurse is the feature reporter, you know."
Seinfeld
"You listen to her, but it's always, "And now, back to your doctor.""
Seinfeld
"The orderlies come in with food and bedpans."
Seinfeld
"That's like your sports and weather."
Seinfeld
"Then the baby's head comes out, and I'm screaming."
Seinfeld
"My brother, who's videotaping, turns green."
Seinfeld
"His eyes roll up in his head, and he blacks out."
Seinfeld
"He drops the camera, the camera breaks."
Seinfeld
"And then the placenta comes flying out."
Seinfeld
"- And then a doctor says- - Hey, thanks. That's enough."
Seinfeld
"Will you look at that kid. Sucking away like there's no tomorrow."
Seinfeld
"Suck, suck, suck."
Seinfeld
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Seinfeld
"- Look at that, Jerry, look at that. - Yeah, I looked. I saw it."
Seinfeld
"- Does this make you uncomfortable? - No, no."
Seinfeld
"Uncomfortable? Not at all."
Seinfeld
"My friend's wife's breasts are out. Why would I be uncomfortable?"
Seinfeld
"Look at him."
Seinfeld
"- So how long do they do this? - Year or two."
Seinfeld
"No break?"
Seinfeld
"- After that comes the weaning. - After sucking comes weaning?"
Seinfeld
"- First sucking, then weaning. - You gotta wean."
Seinfeld
"- Gotta wean. - Must wean."
Seinfeld
"- What about that spot I got, huh? - Yeah. I saw the spot."
Seinfeld
"You open the door to the car..."
Seinfeld
"...you walk right into the hospital. You can't beat that spot."
Seinfeld
"I am on a roll. Yeah."
Seinfeld
"I'm just willing these great parking spots."
Seinfeld
"George."
Seinfeld
"Maybe the baby would like to see the spot."
Seinfeld
"A positive, uplifting message to start his life out with, huh?"
Seinfeld
"You can still get a great spot in this city if you apply yourself."
Seinfeld
"Where's Kramer? Shouldn't he be here?"
Seinfeld
"- Did you give him the room number? - Yeah, 1397."
Seinfeld
"1937."
Seinfeld
"1937, 1937."
Seinfeld
"Excuse me. Do you know where the elevator is?"
Seinfeld
"Yeah, it's right around the corner there. 1937."
Seinfeld
"Oh, God!"
Seinfeld
"It's a pig-man."
Seinfeld
"A pig-man!"
Seinfeld
"So anyway, Jerry, Elaine, we have something we wanna ask you."
Seinfeld
"You gotta look. I pulled it in perfectly equidistant..."
Seinfeld
"- ...from the car in front and behind. - Would you shut up, George?"
Seinfeld
"I'm taking a cab home. I can't take this anymore."
Seinfeld
"You were saying, Stan. I'm sorry about this."
Seinfeld
"Myra and I would like you and Elaine..."
Seinfeld
"...to be the godparents of Steven."
Seinfeld
"- Me? A godfather? - Yes."
Seinfeld
"Never go against the family, Elaine."
Seinfeld
"What?"
Seinfeld
"Hey, I just saw a pig-man. A pig-man."
Seinfeld
"He was sleeping, and then he woke up and he looked at me..."
Seinfeld
"...and he made this horrible sound, this:"
Seinfeld
"Kramer, what are you talking about?"
Seinfeld
"I'm talking about a pig-man. I walked in the wrong room, and there he was."
Seinfeld
"- A pig-man? - A pig-man. Half pig, half man."
Seinfeld
"That's great, Kramer."
Seinfeld
"Anyway, tell us what's involved in being a godparent."
Seinfeld
"Elaine, never ask me about my business."
Seinfeld
"Godfather?"
Seinfeld
"The most important thing is you help with the bris."
Seinfeld
"- The bris? - A bris?"
Seinfeld
"- You mean, circumcision? - Yeah."
Seinfeld
"I would advise against that."
Seinfeld
"Kramer, it's a tradition."
Seinfeld
"So was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods..."
Seinfeld
"- ...but we don't do that anymore. - Well, maybe we should."
Seinfeld
"Hey..."
Seinfeld
"...why are all those people milling around my car?"
Seinfeld
"- I don't know. - Maybe they're admiring your spot."
Seinfeld
"- They're looking up. - Hey, there's a guy up on the roof."
Seinfeld
"That's the guy I told where the elevator was."
Seinfeld
"Oh, God, I hope he doesn't jump- Oh, my God!"
Seinfeld
"My car!"
Seinfeld
"My car!"
Seinfeld
"A mohel? What the hell is a mohel?"
Seinfeld
"A mohel is the person that performs a circumcision."
Seinfeld
"Well, where am I gonna find a mohel?"
Seinfeld
"Motels, models..."
Seinfeld
"How do you find a mohel?"
Seinfeld
"Finding a mohel's easy. Any idiot can find a mohel."
Seinfeld
"I have to hold the baby while they do it."
Seinfeld
"That's a tough job. How would you like that?"
Seinfeld
"Hey, Jerry, you ever seen one?"
Seinfeld
"- Oh, you mean, that wasn't...? - Yeah."
Seinfeld
"- No, you? - Yeah."
Seinfeld
"What'd you think?"
Seinfeld
"It had no face, no personality."
Seinfeld
"It was like a Martian."
Seinfeld
"- But, hey, you know, that's me. - Hey."
Seinfeld
"Well, I got the estimate."
Seinfeld
"It'll cost more to repair the roof than the car is worth."
Seinfeld
"I'm going over and seeing that hospital administrator today."
Seinfeld
"Someone is gonna pay for this, and it's not gonna be me!"
Seinfeld
"- Oh, you're screwed. - I know."
Seinfeld
"Swan dives from 20 floors up, lands right on top."
Seinfeld
"What, do I got a bull's-eye up there?"
Seinfeld
"He couldn't move over two feet, huh?"
Seinfeld
"Land on the sidewalk, it's city property."
Seinfeld
"Well, I have to interview a mohel."
Seinfeld
"How about our little Elaine, huh?"
Seinfeld
"Attended the finest schools on the eastern seaboard..."
Seinfeld
"...equestrian competitions, debutante balls. Look at her now."
Seinfeld
"Interviewing mohels."
Seinfeld
"Yeah!"
Seinfeld
"- What's the matter? - You all right?"
Seinfeld
"Don't ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed."
Seinfeld
"- Look at that. Look, look. - What now?"
Seinfeld
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