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Clips from Archer - Sitting (S06E06)

"So, that bag is clothes."
Archer
"That bag is diapers. The cooler is breast milk,"
Archer
"- which obviously needs to go in the... - Where do you buy breast milk?"
Archer
"You don't, Archer. You..."
Archer
"Oh, my god, will you relax?"
Archer
"Here. Have a cold... Wow."
Archer
"- So no beer? - Why would I bring beer?"
Archer
"Because you don't want me drinking liquor?"
Archer
"I don't want you drinking anything!"
Archer
"- What, that's all for her? - I'll find a sitter."
Archer
"Lana, relax. I won't drink while you're gone."
Archer
"- I take this very seriously. - Well, or at least Woodhouse does."
Archer
"- Yeah, and if he was here... - Wait. What? Where is he?"
Archer
"- Rehab. - Oh, seriously?"
Archer
"I know. At his age, it's like, why even bother?"
Archer
"- Well? - I'm kidding."
Archer
"It's his annual three days off."
Archer
"It's normally two, but I let him roll over one from last year."
Archer
"Your largesse knows no bounds."
Archer
"- Well, it's not paid. - Ugh!"
Archer
"Have you at least baby-proofed this place?"
Archer
"I don't think a baby can hurt anything."
Archer
"No, not... Ugh! I mean, like firearms, for instance."
Archer
"- Are they stored securely? - Yes."
Archer
"- I'll find a sitter. - Lana, go. A.J.'s in good hands."
Archer
"I know what I'm doing. I've read ten Baby-sitters Club books."
Archer
"- Really? - Yeah. I'm totally a Kristy,"
Archer
"- with maybe, like, a dash of Claudia. - Because I won't have my phone."
Archer
"- So when you realize you can't handle it... - I won't."
Archer
"But when you do... please shut up..."
Archer
"this is the main number at the zen center."
Archer
"- And a staff member will come and find me. - In your stupid... What is it, a wigwam?"
Archer
"- It's a yurt. - Wow. Even stupider."
Archer
"- Archer, I'm serious. - Me too."
Archer
"Paying to spend 24 hours sweating in a yurt"
Archer
"is literally the dumbest thing you've ever done."
Archer
"- Oh, I can think of a few more. - You're right."
Archer
"Maybe this will help you shed some of your negative energy."
Archer
"- My... ? - Have fun. Say hi to your spirit animal."
Archer
"Ugh! Okay. I'll see you tomorrow night."
Archer
"But I bet you call before then!"
Archer
"I bet I won't."
Archer
"Holy shit, I gotta wash that down."
Archer
"See that, A.J.? That was a teachable moment"
Archer
"about a little thing called confidence. And contrary to"
Archer
"what you may have heard, you can never have too much of it."
Archer
"Or bourbon. Where's the bourbon?"
Archer
"Okay, I gotta have some irish, or at least some scotch,"
Archer
"or blended, or... Jesus Christ, Woodhouse, stock the bar!"
Archer
"Okay, here we go. So we have... Ugh, tequila and coffee liqueur."
Archer
"All right. So we can make... I guess this will be a... Black Mexican?"
Archer
"What? No, that's not racist."
Archer
"That's what it is. If you added milk, it would be a white Mexican,"
Archer
"but all we have is breast milk..."
Archer
"Eww, which would make it a Rusty krieger."
Archer
"Oh! Oh, god. Wow. That is mierda."
Archer
"And also between us, okay? Because your mom likes to worry, A.J.,"
Archer
"but she doesn't need to, because when you're with me, kid,"
Archer
"you're as safe as a bug in a..."
Archer
"- Archer! Help! - Please help! He's been shot!"
Archer
"Oh, good."
Archer
"For a second, I thought you were Lana."
Archer
"[ Trumpet blares ]"
Archer
"Where's the goddamn first aid kit?"
Archer
"Behind the bar. And quit yelling."
Archer
"Ow!"
Archer
"- Why did you hit me? - 'Cause! Get your shit together!"
Archer
"Get your shit together, man."
Archer
"- You're the one who's bleeding to death. - Yeah. From my ears. So shut up!"
Archer
"Everybody shut up, because, spoiler alert, this is a baby."
Archer
"And why do you have a baby?"
Archer
"Well, Slater. When a mommy and a daddy"
Archer
"- love each other very much... - In your apartment!"
Archer
"- Yeah. Or a motel or a porta-john, or... - Are you trying to piss me off?"
Archer
"- Not really. - Well, you are, so..."
Archer
"Why do you keep your first aid kit in the bar?"
Archer
"Because that's where over 80 pct of home accidents happen."
Archer
"- Wow. Really? - They happen in the bathroom!"
Archer
"Not in my home. Speaking of which, why are you in it, and who is he?"
Archer
"- Sterling Archer, this is Farooq Ashkani. - Yeah. Hi."
Archer
"- Black Mexican? - What?"
Archer
"Uh, hey, dick, I happen to be Pakistani."
Archer
"Aur kya?! Bakri-chowd sewer jinn!"
Archer
"I was offering you a drink,"
Archer
"but all I have is tequila and coffee liqueur."
Archer
"Sorry. I thought you were being racist."
Archer
"No. If anything, you were, if you think black or Mexican is an insult."
Archer
"- My child is actually multiracial, so... - Hang on. Go back. You speak Urdu?"
Archer
"Huh? Oh. No. No, no. Just that one phrase."
Archer
"The only phrase you know in Urdu is,"
Archer
""no, shit, you goat-raping pig-devil"?"
Archer
"What? I thought it meant, "I'm sorry.""
Archer
"Huh. Probably why that night in a Karachi whorehouse"
Archer
"suddenly went from pretty bad to much worse."
Archer
"I'm gonna stop you there."
Archer
"Somebody should. I mean, this is a baby."
Archer
"Because time's a bit of a factor."
Archer
"Until yesterday, Farooq was a cyberspy for Pakistani intelligence."
Archer
"But now he wants to come over to our side."
Archer
"Are we not on the same side?"
Archer
"- Eh... - Eh..."
Archer
"Anyway, I was walking him into a CIA safe house,"
Archer
"but a bunch of his former colleagues were waiting for us."
Archer
"I had to shoot our way out of there."
Archer
"But how did they know where the..."
Archer
"Oh, my god, could the CIA have a leak?"
Archer
"That's what I said!"
Archer
"Anyway, until I find the leak and plug it, I need you to babysit him."
Archer
"And I object to the term "babysit," because clearly I am not a baby."
Archer
"And I'm already babysitting"
Archer
"what clearly is an actual baby, so..."
Archer
"- She sure is. Can I hold her? - Uh, yeah. Okay."
Archer
"- But, you know, be careful. - I got her. There we go."
Archer
"- Archer, come on. - No."
Archer
"- 24 hours. - No!"
Archer
"- And a hundred grand. - Yes!"
Archer
"Okay, good. I'll call you after I deal with the leak,"
Archer
"then you'll bring him to the new safe house."
Archer
"- And payment will be... - By wire transfer. Is that a problem?"
Archer
"No. I just didn't know if I should bring my sack"
Archer
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