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Clips from Avenue 5 - Was It Your Ears? (S01E01)

"Synthetic veal? Porno? Mint jelly?"
Avenue 5
"All of them, if you can."
Avenue 5
"-(CHUCKLES) Jesus! -But first, I-- I, uh..."
Avenue 5
"I actually want lots and lots and lots of sedatives."
Avenue 5
"Look, my area of expertise is pretty limited."
Avenue 5
"It's basically recreational barbiturates,"
Avenue 5
"Eastern sex practices, Christmas music."
Avenue 5
"But I do know suffering, and you're suffering."
Avenue 5
"So I just need a little bit more information to make sure"
Avenue 5
"I'm not causing more harm than I'm fixing."
Avenue 5
"-I was bullied at school. -Was it your ears?"
Avenue 5
"What? No. What do you mean?"
Avenue 5
"-What's wrong with my ears? -Nothing."
Avenue 5
"But that is what I would go in on, if I was bullying you."
Avenue 5
"I'd make you self-conscious"
Avenue 5
"about something that isn't even a thing"
Avenue 5
"because it makes you question your sanity."
Avenue 5
"Ain't that right, you jar-eared Dumbo fuck?"
Avenue 5
"-It's brutal. -I-- Yeah-- Mm."
Avenue 5
"You're right, I hate my ears. Yeah."
Avenue 5
"-Sedatives? -I mean, look at you."
Avenue 5
"You're like a gimp on a leash right now."
Avenue 5
"-Mm-hmm. -You'd do anything for these drugs."
Avenue 5
"-Anything. -And if I don't give 'em to you,"
Avenue 5
"you're probably gonna go below decks..."
Avenue 5
"and get them from the guys down there."
Avenue 5
"But you're gonna have to sexually humiliate yourself."
Avenue 5
"You are so good. You're right."
Avenue 5
"I was this close to going down there and..."
Avenue 5
"showing someone my bottom."
Avenue 5
"(LOUD BEEP)"
Avenue 5
"(HEAVY SIGH)"
Avenue 5
"Well, I... I got the, um, the sleeping..."
Avenue 5
"-Oh. -Yeah. Take two of these,"
Avenue 5
"it's like you've died and gone to the opera."
Avenue 5
"BILLIE: All right, so give me one"
Avenue 5
"because I'm so tired that my hair hurts me."
Avenue 5
"(YAWNS) Oh, no. These are for, um..."
Avenue 5
"what's the-- who's the guy who runs Judd Industries?"
Avenue 5
"-BOTH: Judd. -RYAN: Yes."
Avenue 5
"So, apparently, even, uh, Space Baby can't sleep."
Avenue 5
"Respectfully, fuck him."
Avenue 5
"No, seriously, 'cause he's-- he's in an incubator,"
Avenue 5
"those things are soundproofed to balls."
Avenue 5
"I'll take the sedatives, and I'll go Judd drug."
Avenue 5
"No, Karen, you will kill him. There's a difference."
Avenue 5
"Okay, so you two give me the, um..."
Avenue 5
"them things, and then I'll go..."
Avenue 5
"What?"
Avenue 5
"I'll go to-- Who they for?"
Avenue 5
"-(LOUD BEEP) -(KAREN GROANS)"
Avenue 5
"-I'll take them. I'll take-- -Oh, no, no, Billie, Billie, no--"
Avenue 5
"-Yeah, but I'm gonna give them-- -Billie, give them to me. -Okay--"
Avenue 5
"Oh, look, it's the king!"
Avenue 5
"-Where? -A-ha!"
Avenue 5
"In your face, you and-- and the other one."
Avenue 5
"Okay. Michele's an engineer,"
Avenue 5
"you tell him exactly what you want."
Avenue 5
"-Get as technical as you like. -JUDD: Okay."
Avenue 5
"Michele, huh?"
Avenue 5
"I don't like boys with girls' names."
Avenue 5
"Okay, so..."
Avenue 5
"We fire the glitter at the turds as we turn the lasers on?"
Avenue 5
"Or... sequins."
Avenue 5
"Maybe sequin bombs that we make from degradable plastics,"
Avenue 5
"and then shoot them at the turds."
Avenue 5
"I'm thinking six every two minutes,"
Avenue 5
"to ensure a steady shimmer."
Avenue 5
"Then glitter, then confetti,"
Avenue 5
"then, maybe, fairy lights, if we all feel we've earned it."
Avenue 5
"Okay, read it back to me."
Avenue 5
"Let's make a sex tape!"
Avenue 5
"Get out of my line of sight."
Avenue 5
"(JINGLE PINGS)"
Avenue 5
"-(EXHALES) -MATT: Action."
Avenue 5
"Herman Judd here, with a brief word."
Avenue 5
"Indeed, all of our words must now be brief."
Avenue 5
"That is because we're running out of breathable air."
Avenue 5
"(ALL GASP)"
Avenue 5
"I had intended to ease into that one."
Avenue 5
"We will plug this leak. But until we do,"
Avenue 5
"you must remain breathing steadily"
Avenue 5
"to minimize all oxygen usage."
Avenue 5
"And cut out all unnecessary conversation."
Avenue 5
"No sighing, no gasping,"
Avenue 5
"no unnecessary sneezing, no flouncing."
Avenue 5
"If you have to be passive aggressive,"
Avenue 5
"do it only with your eyes."
Avenue 5
"Relax."
Avenue 5
"-(LOUD BEEP) -JUDD: Iris!"
Avenue 5
"No, no, no, wait. This is recorded. That's..."
Avenue 5
"that's not the actual beep."
Avenue 5
"-JUDD: But do remain breathing calmly."
Avenue 5
"-(LOUD BEEP) -That's the actual beep."
Avenue 5
"That is now a legal requirement."
Avenue 5
"Thanks, gang."
Avenue 5
"(QUIETLY) Okay, I'm gonna tell a joke now."
Avenue 5
"The setup is that there are three men"
Avenue 5
"of three different nationalities."
Avenue 5
"I won't tell you which nationalities,"
Avenue 5
"'cause otherwise you might find it amusing."
Avenue 5
"The punchline is that one of the men in the joke"
Avenue 5
"is considerably more parsimonious"
Avenue 5
"than the other two men in the joke."
Avenue 5
"Thus concludes the joke."
Avenue 5
"That was not funny."
Avenue 5
"Here it comes."
Avenue 5
"-(LOUD BEEP) -(CHUCKLES)"
Avenue 5
"JUDD: Iris!"
Avenue 5
"(WHISPERING) As I walk up, there's these cars"
Avenue 5
"falling out of the bed. It was just--"
Avenue 5
"What is the nature of this conversation?"
Avenue 5
"Uh, I'm just talking about my grandchildren."
Avenue 5
"Would you classify it as essential?"
Avenue 5
"News flash: it isn't."
Avenue 5
"Okay, now I'm gonna do some oxygen-efficient banter"
Avenue 5
"with the audience."
Avenue 5
"-Ma'am, where are you from? -Utah."
Avenue 5
"That's nice."
Avenue 5
"(WHISPERING) You are banal as shit."
Avenue 5
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