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Clips from Peep Show - Threeism (S09E09)

"And my sole subterfuge"
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"is that she thinks she's coming to a dinner party."
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"But I've got a feeling that the other guests may cancel at the last minute."
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"Naughty, unreliable guests."
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"I think she might actually be my perfect woman."
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"She just texted, saying, "Professor Jones has her whip ready.""
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"I think it's probably the sexiest text"
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"You should go the full Indy. "I love you," on the eyelids."
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"LAUGHING Brilliant."
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"But far too mad."
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"Go on! It'll be hilarious!"
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"I was thinking, "How can I turn up the heat?""
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"More than hilarious. It would be a hoot!"
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"It would be a bit of a hoot, wouldn't it?"
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"But it's the sort of thing you'd think about but never actually do."
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"Not on my watch!"
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"Come on. You've tracked down the love of your life. Go for it!"
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"NERVOUS LAUGHTER"
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"No, Jez! Yes, Mark."
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"Making you do brilliant things that you'd never do otherwise."
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"This is how the El Dude Brothers roll."
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"God."
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"This is crazy! You're mental!"
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"How does it look?"
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"Oh, my God! Why would she be here so early?"
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"I haven't even finished pureeing the chickpeas!"
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"Got off work early. Thought I'd see how it's hanging."
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"'I'm playing Genital Jenga!'"
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"Good to see you."
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"Joe. Megan!"
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"Joe popped over. What a fun coincidence."
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"Are you having a coaching session, or...?"
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"No, he came round for a friendly visit."
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"Why? Do you have a coaching session booked?"
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"No, no, no. These are both just friendly, coincidental visits."
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"'How lucky and brilliant."
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"'This party needs to break up fast."
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"and it will, if I'm lucky,"
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"'OK, let's get the fuck out. A run?' PHONE RINGS"
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"April."
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"Dr Jones, I presume. Just whipping up a feast."
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"'Hi, Mark. I'm really sorry."
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"'Angus isn't going to his conference tonight after all."
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"'No way.'"
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"No problemo, amigo. Hasta la vista."
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"'Spanish? Has the stress turned me entirely Spanish?'"
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"Er, of course."
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"They... They won't mind. They're very relaxed, the other guests."
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"One more person at the dinner party."
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"No big deal."
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"'Thanks so much, and sorry for the short notice.'"
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"'See you in 30.' Adios."
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"'Oh! Utterly fucked and unaccountably Spanish.'"
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"Can you smell... HE SNIFFS"
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"..like, smoke? Um... No. No?"
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"Maybe I'm not feeling very well. Perhaps you guys should..."
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"Hi there. I know you've probably got plans tonight,"
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"but I insist you all stay for a delicious feast."
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"Well, that's as it may be, but I'm afraid I insist."
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"Joe, Megan, it is going to be amazing. You must stay."
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"Er... Wonderful."
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"I'm sorry, but I need backup."
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"Angus is coming. April's husband."
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"Yes, well, she's got a husband and, in 30 minutes, he'll want some dinner."
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"I need to bulk out."
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"Bulky...lettuce? They'll bring wine, but we need booze."
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"Where's the rum? Get the rum, make a cocktail."
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"What cocktail? Any-fucking-thing."
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"Rum and water, rum and milk. Chop some parsley into it."
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"They're all basically horrible. It's action stations!"
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"Fuck! How quickly can you get to Mr Patel's and back?"
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"Mr Patel's? Austerity cornflakes and Latvian feta?"
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"Look, here we go."
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"Beans. Everyone likes beans. I can't serve baked beans."
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"They're...tomato-y."
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"Ketchup is tomato-y."
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"That's not a pasta sauce. It is when I make pasta."
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"With your disgusting human fingers?"
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"Mashed. I can mash them."
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"Cooking's all about confidence."
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"I'm just going to mix it all together."
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"I need to go Nigella. I'm going to be the Hairy Biker."
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"How about some lovely filling lettuce?"
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"What are you doing?! I'm improvising."
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"'Good. It's like Who's Pasta Is It Anyway, yeah?'"
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"How old are these? I don't know. They're always good,"
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"eggs, aren't they?"
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"Are they? Yeah?"
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"Maybe it is Moroccan."
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"Fuck them. Exactly."
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"That's the dinner-party spirit. Fuck them all!"
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"The pasta will be fine. It'll all be fine."
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"Do you think? Absolutely."
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"HE SIGHS Although I would recommend"
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"Oh, my God. I forgot!"
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"Is it coming off? Is it coming off? Not exactly."
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"Jeremy, did you use permanent marker?"
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"I might have used permanent marker."
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"I'm going to have to bleach my eyes."
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"Good idea. Although..."
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"eyes, bleach - is that a bad one?"
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"I'm going to have to keep my eyes open all night. Is that possible?"
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"I can do this. I can do this all night."
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"'That's the most important thing.' I brought you some chocolates"
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"instead of wine, cos everyone always brings wine, don't they?"
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"Oh... Lovely."
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"'That'll be one bottle of wine between six, then. Perfect(!)'"
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"Yes. Briefly."
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"'Almost unbearable urge to blink."
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"'Enjoy it. Last one of the night.'"
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"Shall we go through?"
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"Help yourself to hummus."
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"It's freshly made and, if I say so myself, quite delicious."
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"'Unlike the rest of the meal.' Cocktail?"
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"'Mm, rum, water, lettuce, vinegar and the secret ingredient - salt.'"
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"April said you were off to a conference."
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"Yes. Date mix-up."
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"I'm actually talking tomorrow"
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"on transcultural memory in the Ottoman Empire."
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"'Oh, look who's won the lettuce lottery.'"
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